Country kitchen, boiling noodles, and hot tea…

As I sit here tonight, in my little country kitchen staring at beautiful local hand crafted cabinets, grape wallpaper, an eggshell hutch filled with labeled old  tin sugar, flour, cornmeal cans, and a menu chalkboard labeling the weekly meals hanging on the wall; cant get more country than that. And I actually do live in the country so maybe its extra country? Anywhoo, as sit here, I have a hot cup of tea, some sweet tea cooling on the counter, some frozen homemade spaghetti sauce thawing and noodles boiling for tomorrows dinner. I can not believe that at 9 pm I am up doing this and writing all at the same time. I am usually so tired and tonight is no different. Physically my body is tired, my muscle ache from the pain of a condition I can really do little about (fibromyalgia). Yet tonight is different, not only in my being able to get up and do these things. But more so, in that I am writing and enjoying a hot cup of tea while I do so, in my little kitchen of all places. I usually do not write or make time for it or anything I really love. My days are spent at my job as a Parent Educator getting to be creative and to help people. I love it but it is tiring at times. When I am not at work I am caring for my husband, sometimes my 3 stepsons (the days they are here, and my 3 dogs. Oh and this lovely home we own right in town, our tiny little town but town nonetheless. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in all I need to do or think I should do that I miss the little things. The joy in the blessings I have. I have a home I own, a job, 3 stepsons, a husband and doggies. I am blessed. Yet I usually live lost and sad and broken. I forget the joys when I am wrapped up in responsibility, wallowing in my own self pitty.

Tonight for some reason was different. I came into the kitchen, tossing our bowls from the homemade blackberry cobbler I made and was thinking of eating a small bowl of cereal and laying on the couch. Then I saw the noodles I needed to make and then the tea that was almost empty. As I started these, I stretched a little right in the kitchen and felt a lil better. Then I decided on a hot cup of tea, before I knew it I was aching to go to the office/craft room and write. But the noodles were taking forever and if I waited on the noodles to get done, the tea in my cute little cup would be cold and I would be  inevitably too tired. If I left the kitchen I would ruin the noodles and possible set my house on fire. Choices choices… of course I would stay in the kitchen.

And with that you must excuse me while I go to check the noodles……

I am back, all is well and finally the noodles are done!

So back to when I had that light bulb moment of sitting on the stool at the little table in my country kitchen and simply writing as my noodles cooked. i made the choice, as you can now tell, to do just that. to sit and write, to watch my noodles, to sip hot tea. And here I am writing and feeling more like me than I have felt in a long time. I am here feeling relief and life and my God. I am here in my kitchen feeling grateful for all I have and the ability to multitask. Haha. Who knows maybe this will be my new spot for not only sanity, but for inspiration as well?

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His yoke…..

“Then Jesus said. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give your rest. Take my yolk upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (NLT) Matthew 12:28-30

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I read a Bible study this am and this is the first verse I wanted to look up that was listed. As I read tears fell down my face. I was once awoken several nights by this verse. I was young, only 18 and I did not know what it meant. I told God, “I have your yoke.” I was really on fire for God, working hard for him and growing. Then I was hit by my church turning its back on me. Claiming I said something to the youth group I lead, that I did not say. He had been warning me, preparing me for what was coming. I was too young and new in the growing faith to understand what to do. I overtime, turned from God. I lost him because of what some “Christian” people did to me. I made horrible choices and walked away from him. It has been a cycle. Over and over and over for me. Trusting him then getting hurt and turning my back. Now here I am with a jury trial coming on Monday, trying to trust God. Trying to give him all my nerves and fears. Praying he will let the truth come out, the lies, to let them see how I did not stalk my step-son at the school I work at! Praying for once, I can be freed from the lies told about me.

Then I read the verse….to take his yoke. To trust, to let him carry my burdens. So I sit here and I cry. Tears of relief and happiness. Tears of love for a God that takes my burdens, my missteps and pain over and over again. Monday is in His hands and I will give it to Him, stop carrying the burden. Let him have it and take his yoke. His love. His peace.

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I ask for prayers through this. I want to stay close to God, to trust him and to know whatever happens, it is in His will and plan. I want the truth to be exposed, the lies that have been told out of control, anger and jealousy. I want the truth and God to win out above and amongst all the lies and deceit.

 

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Who are you yet to be?

 

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Sounds echo from my speaker….words of life to me. They make me feel special  and alive…each one in such a different way. I envision a different part of my future, my past, my present. I envision who I want to truly be. How I want to truly live. I hang onto the fact that I can be who I chose daily….some days its a poofy skirt over my jeans, others hippy pants and a flower in my hair, and then some fancy. But with most songs I hear. With most visions of myself…I see an “earthy” girl. A girl in laid back earthy clothes, with a square foot garden, a pregnant belly and a pen and page. I envision the sun, food cooking in my crockpot, fresh fruits and veggies, laughs, smiles, finger painting with the kids, tents, forts, sitting in the sun with my doggies. I envision helping others, taking someone a meal. I envision life, a breeze, music, peace. Maybe it sounds simple to some. Maybe it sounds “old school,” but to me it sounds blissful. It feels like me and who I am to be. My prayer is asking God to help me follow His path to have the vision I truly feel he gave me. To let go of what the world says I need and embrace the simple gifts from God, that are truly the big gifts.

Don’t get me wrong…I love the city. I love traveling. I love going to theme parks and I still want those but I want to be the me I am meant to be more than anything. Sometimes we pursue what we think we should. What we think is the right thing, when all we need is right in front of us. Right at our finger tips. It is what I call the “beauty in the infamous void.” It is what is inside of each of us in that well known void…the truth hidden..the beauty.

So I ask you to look at you. To just sit and be. To pray and see what God is showing you.Are you the person you are meant to be? Are you living the dream God has given you or are you living the dreams of others or what you think is right. Listen to the wind or turn on a song…for me its The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, Phillip Phillips,needtobreathe, etc. etc. etc. Find what speaks to you. It changes over time, as we grow, as God changes us, gives us His new path. What spoke to me at 16 and changed my life…saved me…isn’t what speaks to me now. Find what speaks to you…what God uses to get to you and listen to Him. What is right in front of you?

Next answer the question above from Mary Oliver…”…..what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Now…..let’s take the steps together to be who God created each of us to be and change the world!

 

Image taken form Google Image search for the quote-exact words. (www.somethingyettobe.com)

The Words must be freed

The words abound. Pulling free from the depths of me. They are my life, my breath, my soul. They are me, finally set free. I hear the notes float upon the air, my air beats and then it is like the life is given to the words. They begin to float and be. I can then set them free. A life alive in me. A life of words and truths. I feel alive and free, I feel happy and at peace when the words are free to be in me. This is where I need to be everyday. Putting the words down, allowing them life. How do I make the time? How do I free up time? How do I make time to be me, to be free, to have life in me, pouring form me onto a page? I must see, I must be. I must put the words down for the world to see. I must make the time,a s I am now to write and wrote and wrote some more. To get the truths out of me. To share the words. To help someone be freed. To touch a soul with love.

Happiness of the Twirl

Images blur in a twirl of my life.

As I spin I see it all in a blur of color and distorted images.

Laughter bursts forth from my lips.

I am a child at heart again. Enjoying life as it comes.

Taking the blur, the mess ,and finding joy in it all.

Smiling in the dark. Knowing I am safe in the arms of Him who died for all.

Living out the life in the heart of a child.

The words in the Book of Life state we can only enter if we have a heart like a child.

Such truth in the love and they believe and smile through all the bad, the confusion, the mess and blur.

They begin to laugh and let go of the mess and fall down, knowing safely they will land.

Such a freedom, such trust, such love.

I spin and spin and spin in this mess, feeling more alive with each step, with each twirl that sends me further on and when the time comes I will let go laughing and landing safely in strong hands.

I smile as the blur of pink spins around me.

The blur of a love freely given and never un-found.

In time I will let go and land……

but for now I spin on with a smile and life growing inside a once broken life.

4-22-12 1:48 am

Written to Happiness by The Fray.

He’s Everything

So, I have really met someone. Someone who is changing my life. He is amazing. I did not expect this or even see it coming. I have only known him for a short time and I know I love him. And he loves me. My heart is bursting. Tears of utter and complete happiness fill my eyes. It is amazing. He is everything I have looked for, everything I have dreamed of. I don’t have to wish for anything. He loves all the little things and he loves me for me. It does seem soon and we may be nuts but we both feel the same. And how many people dream of this and search for this their whole lives and never find it? I’m not walking away or letting go out of fear or others judgments. I know this is real and right and true.

The most amazing thing to me is I was married. I thought I loved him so much BUT nothing compares to this love I feel. NOTHING. I have NEVER felt this…NEVER. It is amazing and wonderful. I truly believe it is forever. I never want him to let me go.

I am blessed and do not deserve someone so amazing. He has such a kind heart. He loves so deeply and passionately. He is kind. He is funny. He is sweet and kind. He is a believer. He is a friend. He is just amazing and I do not deserve someone so amazing.

I’m in love with a boy I barely know but that I seem to know so deeply…….

Happiness consumes me….I’m one lucky girl……

4-20-10 12:33 am

Written to Lady Antebellum, “When You Got a Good Thing.”

The Pain to Reach the Destination

Ok so I have words again from a tv show but they are so real and true and deeply spoke to me. I just had to write them down and then put them on here.

They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They’re smiling, ecstatic, triumphant.

They don’t take pictures along the way cause who  wants to remember the rest of it?

We push ourselves because we have to. Not because we like it.

The relentless climb. The pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top. The breath-taking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing. And it’s worth the pain. THat’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything. –Grey on Grey’s Anatomy

This is so amazingly true. I keep going. I keep pushing myself b/c of that amazing moment on the edge of the world. That moment where all the pain makes some kind of sense. It is still so amazing to me and even mind-blowing the pain I can still feel deep inside. It is like someone told me the other day, “you have the freshest wound of any of us here.” And it doesn’t feel like it should still be fresh. Shouldn’t it be fully healed by now? No…for I think mine is healing, slowly but surely. And so many people mask theirs and cover it with a bandaide where it truly only grows more and can never get the fresh air to heal. And some wounds take more time to heal. I realize this is one of those. Yes, it has been almost 2 years. Yes I am so ready for the divorce to be finalized. Yes I want to meet someone else. And yes it is true that I have no desire to be with my ex ever again. However, it still hurts. It still stings. Tears still come to my eyes. And it has been 2 years, as I said before, but it was a lifetime of love, of dreams…gone. Another friend of mine said, “When someone dies do you just get over it? No. You don’t. It takes time and sometimes you are never over it. So what makes you think you have to be or can be? You had a loss. A tremendous loss. You had a lot done wrong to you. It was like a death. It will take time.” She was also referring to me being able to forgive him, because I do not want to.  But God has given me a peace and I know I am not sinning —I am trying. I am seeking to forgive, to learn and move on. He has given me amazing people ot turn to and I am so very grateful. Amazed here in the valley as I climb the mountain.

So I have taken an amazing few first steps but have so far to go knowing that this pain is worth all He has for me here and in heaven. I know there is more. I see it and believe it and want to live it…to live in it!

The pain to reach the destination….I believe it is worth it…

3-11-10  11:37 pm