Growing Me

This was my original welcome page…updated several times. I had to leave it, to show my growth and how long I have dreamed of writing to how far I have came. First hiding who I was to now displaying my name and pictures.

 

Wow…it is still amazing to me how we can be the smae and yet so different at the same time…most of these words below are true…but I do want the kids and the marriage…but to be where i was…broken…marriage was too scary. I felt I was destined to be single and was ok with it…but I admit I want marriage and children. I want to travel and love and live. And I have found in the last 9 months that I absolutely LOVE where I live! I want to stay here. I want to be in my small town, with my family close by and my dear friends. But I do want to travel and live my dreams but from here. I will be starting my masters in creative writing online in June and am so excited! Yes…I will be writing and from here…and I have no fear or confusion about it!

Me….I am finally me…..

Some do not understand it and judge and finally I do not care…I must be all that God made me to be…and for the first time in  my life I feel absolutely free and alive and real…as tears fill my eyes and my heart swells all I can say is…..

thank you Lord……

12-20-10

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So, as life changes, so do we. Time moves on and we move on. We live and dream and breathe and change. All that I have chosen, all that has happened to me in the last few years has changed me. And I am grateful. I have to be. Because all that badness opened me to me. And I see who I am. I am not fully there but everyday I am closer and I believe we discover something new about ourselves everyday, if we are open to it.  I am grateful to God for those He has given me to help me see that who I am is okay. 

So about me…. I am a writer. I am a lover. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a dreamer and now a doer. I am feisty and truthful. I am open. I am grateful. I love music and how it makes me feel every emotion so completely deep. I am a sister, a friend, an aunt, a daughter.  I have high expectations for myself and others because I believe that we all have the ability to rise above our circumstances and live. I love to travel. I love my family and friends so deeply; they our my life in so many ways. I love to learn something new. I love to be outside and just breathe. I like this small town  but want to venture out and yet always come back home. I don’t want the house and marriage and 2.5 kids, aka the American dream. I love Christ and am so grateful for his love. I love my church. I love to have crazy colors of hair and wear funky hats. I love hippiness to a degree. I love to camp. I love a camp fire. I love to turn the music up loud and feel it in every once of me and sing at the top of my lungs while my mind forms poetry. I love to sit on the beach watching the waves roll in with my journal on my lap. I love to relax on the couch and watch my shows. I love to draw, write and create. I love to make other smile. I just love to love. I love to trust. I love to take chances and live life. I love. I live. I dance. I am finally living life to the fullest…. being me. 

3-5-10 12:05 am _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I am definitely in a new  place in my life now….a place where I am broken and I know I will get through it. I will grow and become the person God has created me to be. I can’t be “lost” in this forever…. Another year has gone by…I am now 26 years old and my life is def. not what I thought it  would be. Based on being  16, 10 years ago, I thought I would be in california becoming a famous singer and would have gotten a degree in poetry.  Married to the man of my dreams, whoever that may have been and had a least one child and wanting at least 3 -5 more…….

Man…..I am so far from what I thought I would be, where I would be, who I would be…..that is life and the choices we make. Sometimes it is what life brings us but so much is our choice. I chose the teaching degree, I chose to do what others thought I should. i chose to marry a non-christian, I chose to speak horribly to him and I chose to let him have his way, like a spoiled child and walk all over me. Yes, I feel I chose the life I have……it was my choice……. now we shall see where my life goes….

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  Here I am again…beginning to write and post and hoping others read these and can be blessed as I have been blessed by others.  I have grown deeply in the last 4 months. It is unbelievable what God will do with a surrendered heart.  He will transform you, open your eyes, and grow you into a complete soul.  I have been through some storms…storms I know He allowed to open my eyes to Him…to bring me back…He loves us enough to use any means to awaken our hearts and souls.I have felt lost for a long time and now feel complete and excited about this journey I am on. This journey where I am me fully in Christ…writing, painting, creating…and bringing glory to God. You see, I thought I had to separate these things but I have found that I do not….they are complete…it is me. Being humble before Christ and giving Him my complete heart and then almost magically I begin to become Me. The person He has created me to be…pouring my heart into those things I have always loved and wanted to be and do.  It is the way of Christ. I am blessed to know Him as my Savior and to grow with Him….to love others with His love…..to bring Him glory with my life…being the me he created me to be.  _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 I am a dreamer, always have been.  I have dreamed my whole life of so many things. To be a wife, a mother, a singer, a writer, to get out of this town. Now I am 25 years old: I’m still in the little town…. so far from all of my dreams. I am married, a mother to two doggies :), in a career I never thought I would be in. I am still the oldest of 8 kids (both of my parents are remarried) and I am still that same girl I was in high school. The one who saw a bigger world. The girl who wanted to make a difference. The girl who was going to follow her dreams. I am finally seeing with my eyes wide open and what I see…I do not like. I am the one who listened and did what everyone told her and to a degree still do.  I am the girl that stays by your side no matter how you treat her. I am the girl with a temper and anger and resentment that I want to disappear. I am the girl who still dreams and wants to finally take the steps to make her dreams a reality.  So, that is me. I do not wish to disclose my real name…for I want to be able to be open here…to be me…finally.
 

 

 

 

One thought on “Growing Me

  1. Palladiamors says:

    It is important that we each do things in our own way. Some people are good with words, other people are good with their hands. While I may have a certain knack with speech, I am no preacher. If people are going to learn from me, it will be through my actions.

    You, though, you’ve always had a knack for words, my poetic friend. Never forget who you are, and never forget who you want to be. Always strive for your dreams, and in doing so inspire those around you.

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