Ok so I have words again from a tv show but they are so real and true and deeply spoke to me. I just had to write them down and then put them on here.
They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They’re smiling, ecstatic, triumphant.
They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it?
We push ourselves because we have to. Not because we like it.
The relentless climb. The pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top. The breath-taking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing. And it’s worth the pain. THat’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything. –Grey on Grey’s Anatomy
This is so amazingly true. I keep going. I keep pushing myself b/c of that amazing moment on the edge of the world. That moment where all the pain makes some kind of sense. It is still so amazing to me and even mind-blowing the pain I can still feel deep inside. It is like someone told me the other day, “you have the freshest wound of any of us here.” And it doesn’t feel like it should still be fresh. Shouldn’t it be fully healed by now? No…for I think mine is healing, slowly but surely. And so many people mask theirs and cover it with a bandaide where it truly only grows more and can never get the fresh air to heal. And some wounds take more time to heal. I realize this is one of those. Yes, it has been almost 2 years. Yes I am so ready for the divorce to be finalized. Yes I want to meet someone else. And yes it is true that I have no desire to be with my ex ever again. However, it still hurts. It still stings. Tears still come to my eyes. And it has been 2 years, as I said before, but it was a lifetime of love, of dreams…gone. Another friend of mine said, “When someone dies do you just get over it? No. You don’t. It takes time and sometimes you are never over it. So what makes you think you have to be or can be? You had a loss. A tremendous loss. You had a lot done wrong to you. It was like a death. It will take time.” She was also referring to me being able to forgive him, because I do not want to. But God has given me a peace and I know I am not sinning —I am trying. I am seeking to forgive, to learn and move on. He has given me amazing people ot turn to and I am so very grateful. Amazed here in the valley as I climb the mountain.
So I have taken an amazing few first steps but have so far to go knowing that this pain is worth all He has for me here and in heaven. I know there is more. I see it and believe it and want to live it…to live in it!
The pain to reach the destination….I believe it is worth it…
3-11-10 11:37 pm