My Sweet Melody of Words

Words, words, words. To you they may simply be letters tied together on a page. Holding very little significance, only being a must in your rushing of every day life; I have to sign this, read this, jot this down.

But to me they are so much more. They are a melody ever ringing in my ears. A soundtrack to my life. My past, my present, and my future all strung together. Playing  like a symphony. I feel the beat of each word in my heart.  I hear the strum of the truth deep in my soul from the whispering of the words.  With each Key stroke of a word that is played I feel the pain of the past, the joy of the present, the anticipation of the future.

I feel alive when I write. I feel whole. My body relaxes, pain goes away, and the words, they simply flow. They come out like therapy for my broken heart. A healing balm for the wounded soul.

Words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are life to me.

I have spent too many days neglecting the life they bring to me. Too many days trying to do more and be the right person.Too many years running, running from the words which complete me. Even as I sit here now with a hot cup of Irish tea, my thinking music playing and feeling the joy of the Lord enter my heart with each word; even now, I feel I should be reading, I should be in bed, I should be folding laundry. Anything but allowing the words to create a melody.

And why? Why do I deny my passion? Why do I think I need to fit into a cookie cutter mold? Why is writing the first thing I push away? Why do I fear what writing could mean?

How I can I deny the gift of my soul in the form of words upon a page? I fear if I continue to do so, I will be no more. A shell of me, a shell of who I have been created to be.

You see, words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are my own special melody; a melody that only plays as each word I write touches the page.

 

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Who are you yet to be?

 

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Sounds echo from my speaker….words of life to me. They make me feel special  and alive…each one in such a different way. I envision a different part of my future, my past, my present. I envision who I want to truly be. How I want to truly live. I hang onto the fact that I can be who I chose daily….some days its a poofy skirt over my jeans, others hippy pants and a flower in my hair, and then some fancy. But with most songs I hear. With most visions of myself…I see an “earthy” girl. A girl in laid back earthy clothes, with a square foot garden, a pregnant belly and a pen and page. I envision the sun, food cooking in my crockpot, fresh fruits and veggies, laughs, smiles, finger painting with the kids, tents, forts, sitting in the sun with my doggies. I envision helping others, taking someone a meal. I envision life, a breeze, music, peace. Maybe it sounds simple to some. Maybe it sounds “old school,” but to me it sounds blissful. It feels like me and who I am to be. My prayer is asking God to help me follow His path to have the vision I truly feel he gave me. To let go of what the world says I need and embrace the simple gifts from God, that are truly the big gifts.

Don’t get me wrong…I love the city. I love traveling. I love going to theme parks and I still want those but I want to be the me I am meant to be more than anything. Sometimes we pursue what we think we should. What we think is the right thing, when all we need is right in front of us. Right at our finger tips. It is what I call the “beauty in the infamous void.” It is what is inside of each of us in that well known void…the truth hidden..the beauty.

So I ask you to look at you. To just sit and be. To pray and see what God is showing you.Are you the person you are meant to be? Are you living the dream God has given you or are you living the dreams of others or what you think is right. Listen to the wind or turn on a song…for me its The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, Phillip Phillips,needtobreathe, etc. etc. etc. Find what speaks to you. It changes over time, as we grow, as God changes us, gives us His new path. What spoke to me at 16 and changed my life…saved me…isn’t what speaks to me now. Find what speaks to you…what God uses to get to you and listen to Him. What is right in front of you?

Next answer the question above from Mary Oliver…”…..what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Now…..let’s take the steps together to be who God created each of us to be and change the world!

 

Image taken form Google Image search for the quote-exact words. (www.somethingyettobe.com)

The Words must be freed

The words abound. Pulling free from the depths of me. They are my life, my breath, my soul. They are me, finally set free. I hear the notes float upon the air, my air beats and then it is like the life is given to the words. They begin to float and be. I can then set them free. A life alive in me. A life of words and truths. I feel alive and free, I feel happy and at peace when the words are free to be in me. This is where I need to be everyday. Putting the words down, allowing them life. How do I make the time? How do I free up time? How do I make time to be me, to be free, to have life in me, pouring form me onto a page? I must see, I must be. I must put the words down for the world to see. I must make the time,a s I am now to write and wrote and wrote some more. To get the truths out of me. To share the words. To help someone be freed. To touch a soul with love.

The Beauty Inside of Me

My heart beats contentedly.

As the notes play out and ring true, they resonate deep inside of me.

They bring about the fire that is all that I am and words begin to flow freely.

My heart pounds, tears grace my cheeks.

I am me in this moment, I am all that I am to be.

I dream. I see of vision of a future of me.

It is still not clear but here I sit typing words.

Here I sit one day at a time, evaluating my next step.

I am beginning to let go of the hold I let the world have on me.

I am becoming free.

It is what Christ wants us to be. Yet we take on more.

We get lost in a sea of uncertainty.

We allow the world to pull us out into the murky sea.

But no more for me. I am swimming free. Going to the shore that I am meant to be.

I do not want this American dream. I want me in Christ, free.

I may build a house and live in my small town.

But I will write and write and write.

My heart will be poured out onto a page and lives will be changed.

I will love and carry the broken hearted. I will bear their burdens but in Christ’s way, for his “yoke is light, and easier to carry.”

I replay the sound that made the words begin.

Tears stream down.

In this moment I am alive. I am free. I am me.

My fire is burning bright.

Love encompasses me and all that I am to be.

 

Written 4-21-12 1:20 am

written to “Rose” off the Titanic Soundtrack

 

Don’t Let the FIre Burn Out

I sit here listening to a song from my past, Rose, off of the Titanic soundtrack. The movie was beautiful to me at only 14 years old. And as I sat there tonight watching it, 14 years later, it was still beautiful and I believe held a deeper meaning to me.

As I watched I feel in love with Jack and Rose and their love, I found myself wanting that kind of love, a self sacrificing love. At 14 all I wanted was to be in love and that was all I really saw. I know somewhere it registered that Jack was a great guy but not like it does now. As I watched I realized a few things. One, I will never again give any part of my heart to a man that does not deserve it.

As I watched I realized something came true for me, that did not for Rose. Jack stated, “They’ve got you trapped, Rose. And you’re gonna die if you don’t break free. Maybe not right away because you’re strong but… sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose… that fire’s gonna burn out… ” I realized that I did let my fire burn out.  I let family members take it, my mother especially and I definitely let it fully burn out when I was married. He took the fire in me and blew it out, slowly. he was very cunning about it and I did not realize it was gone for a long while. I died fully to who I was in trying to be who he wanted me to be. And that is rather sad.

What is worse is I don’t fully die at other times but I let my flame flicker and get low. I try to be what everyone wants and needs too much. I lose myself. If people think I am nuts, then I slowly let go of what is burning deep inside of me. I’ve done it my whole life. I still do it. I try to dress like I should, volunteer for everything under the sun. I give and give and give until i am depleted and can give no more. I do not take time to walk, to sing, to listen to music, or to write. I lose the fire that makes me me.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I am getting closer everyday but ahhhhh I just want to be there. To be the vision of me I see inside. I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to write, to create. I want to see there is a reason I love it so and I just know deep inside that I will help more people this way. But I have to be bold and just do it. I have to say no to some things and not do out of obligation or guilt. I have to be strong and use the gifts God gave me.

I was it was easy and maybe it really is, but I make it hard. I dunno. I just know I want a life of being me, a life of adventure,  a life of love.  I want to be like Rose in the movie and ride that horse.  For me, my horse is writing full time. It is getting up on Saturdays, taking a walk and going to the coffee house. It is learning more about my country and politics. It is hiking. It is fishing, hunting, growing a garden, just living off the land. It is being self sufficient in my Lord. It is reading His word daily. It is having prayer. It is loving my family and friends in a healthy way a n not an all “consuming” of me way.

 

Now,back to love part. As I watched, I relaized I want a man that loves like that. A man that loves and gives of himself like I do. A man that would give up his life, to save mine. I want a man of character and heart. I want the man on the list in my Bible. And of course I thought of that man from my past. Yet, even if he is not the one, someone is and I am not wasting another peice of my shattered, pieced-back- together heart on a man who is self centered. I will wait on a real man, with a beautiful heart. Because I want a love like that;  a love where I can be me and he can be himself.  A love where we help the fire of one another burn. I want a man that loves my fiesty side, loves my frutiy outfits, love my boldness, and my heart. I want  a man to love me with a fierce-ness of soul, like I will love him.

I want that kind of love, the kind of love Jack and Rose had in the move.

Some may think it corny for me to compare myself to a movies characters but I think it is me. It is what I do and I think if you can connect with a character, then that character was greatly written. I will one day write characters such as Jack and Rose.

 

I lay my head back as the music fades to the end and smile. It is a nice place to be, in contentment with me, my life and where it is all going. My fire is lit and will only grower brighter!

Written 4-21-12 12:44 am

written to Rose from the Titanic Soundtrack

I can’t Wait!!!! Oh to Be Called a Fool As I Live in Truth

 

God has been speaking some deep things to me lately and it is all so very amazing. It takes my breath away to know I have a God who loves me so; A God who is personal and real and true. He is one who walked what I walk. He knows all that I am going through and I find deep comfort in that. For that first time in my life I am actively listening every day. I am hearing what He has for me, what He asks me to do, and how He loves me so. I am blessed to call Him not only my savior but also my friend; my best friend. No matter what I am going to trust in all He has to say not caring what the world says. Not caring about my fears or doubts. Not caring about others opinions. I am going to burst forth in this world as a light. As someone who follows God at any cost. I am ready to look like a fool to the world and in the end for them to truly see.

One area is my love life. I know God has told me who I will marry and I am excited. Today I looked at his facebook page and I felt that familiar doubt and voices creeping up. “You didn’t hear God. Look he is with someone else. They are so in love. See, he will stay where he is. They are going to Disney. She treats him better than you ever did.” But unlike before I just said, “Whatever, You got this God.” I know what You told me and I am trusting in You and Your timing. I am not going to try to make it happen. It simply will come to be because I know You told me it was so.” I have no fear or worries about it because I know His voice and what He has told me and tells me daily. I am so excited about the future and how it will unfold in is timing! It will beautiful and glorious and amazing :)!

It is crazy how easy things can be, but how hard we make them out of fear, wanting to control everything, and being selfish. You see I have learned that satan uses the lies, “You deserve this. This is your dream. Follow your dreams. Live for you.” And they are LIES. Those lies are all about YOU and when my life is about ME…it sucks! I am not saying you get consumed in others and toss yourself aside….NO….you get consumed in GOD and then He leads you! It is amazing to put Him first! It is like I am fully me when I put him first! My artistic side blooms…I write and create and it is amazing! I go to the cool coffee shop to think, write, and read. I begin to dress as me. It is beautiful! I am not confused at all. I also then have more time, it seems, to love others and do for them. And things satan had me believe were not mine to worry about become things God uses me in. It is beautiful, the ultimate freedom and joy that comes!

So, I am not confused for like the first time in my life…I know I will be married in 1 year to the man of my dreams, the man who fits my list (my husband is coming home…just not the husband I thought He meant!). I will be an English teacher at my high school. I will be a mother of 2 twin boys (my sister will carry in her womb for me) and I will be adopting a baby girl soon. I know it sounds crazy BUT that is how my God works!!! He is so very amazing! He has shown me a glimpse, not how it all will happen, but that it will happen and I am blessed. I am so excited to watch it all unfold.

So I will be called a fool and I do not care!!!! I am listening to my God. Doing as He says, trusting, witnessing, worshipping and loving! I can’t wait!!!!! 🙂

…oh to be called a fool as I live in truth!

May 7, 2011

8:55 pm

Written to my mix cd called Let the Healing Begin

Drive My Soul

 

I love how music and the words to a song can deeply touch your soul. I love how you feel every emotion more intensely when this occurs and you make a deeper connection with who you are, what you feel and with God. I personally love to roll the windows down, turn the music up full blast and just drive. I love to let the moment drive me. To feel intensely, to grow, to be truthful with who I am inside. To become a little more of me. To deal with pain, hurt and grief or to just immerse myself in the purest joy.

Lately I have been addicted to the song, Drive My Soul by Lights. I know it is probably about a love with another person, however for me…I think of my God. The lyrics “You make the Darkness Disappear, I feel Found when you stay near, I know where I am when you are here, My way becomes so clear,” are the deepest example of how I feel when I am allowing myself to be close to the Lord. When I listen to God as He speaks to me, when I speak to Him, when I read His word and seek his way and obey, I feel peace. My way does become so clear. I no longer feel all the confusion. I hear and obey and I feel peace. I don’t wallow in my confusion and then make my choice. I just trust and even when it seems crazy, it all works out.

I also usually have this confusion about who I am. It has been my struggle for years and for the first time in my life, I no longer feel confused. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I used to be so confused about if I should move or stay here. I finally realized last year how much I love it here. Then in the fall I went to visit my brother in New York and asses the city as if I lived there and realized I did not want to live there. I was praying about where to go to school and what to go for and God lead me to Full Sail University. I felt guilty doing writing but could feel God pushing me that way. I knew he had told me to apply so I did it! I will start in the fall. Then most recently God showed me he wants me to build a house behind my Mom. This was humbling for me b/c I have always said that she and I would not be able to handle it. Yet, God showed me the vision and I asked my Mom and I have such an excitement about building my home soon.

I wasted a lot of time the last 10 years, I made a million bad choices, I have ignored God for my own selfish pursuits. I now see God never intended for me to leave this town. My big dreams of singing, fame, California and then New York were my plans. They were not what God had for me. I wanted these things I now see because I thought it would complete me. I thought I had to leave to be me and I was tired of taking care of everyone. I see now that I had to be me here. I see that God has given me this amazing and mighty gift of loving people. I remember writing something in high school once that said all I wanted to do was love. How true it is and I have been running from the ones God has given me to love. I don’t have anxiety or stress about it anymore because I only do what God tells me to do. I don’t take everything on to myself. It has taken me a few years to learn it but I am so grateful. I am grateful God was patient with me. I am glad he fought for me. I am ecstatic that He kept me here. I made so many bad choices here but had amazing family and friends to help me thought. I would hate to think what would have happened had I been a million miles away.

I am continually, day by day following all He tells me to. I can’t wait to get my house built. And most recently I believe God has shown me who I will marry. I am being careful with it but handing it all to him and trying to be patient. My prayer is that I won’t rush or try to create anything but that I will trust him fully and completely. I love God so much and I only want to make Him happy and bless him, no myself!

I know where I am when He is here, my way becomes so clear, and I only want Him driving my soul.

4-11 and 4-12-11 completed at 12:04 am

Drive my Soul by Lights

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ_U__1Y_Kw