I sit here listening to a song from my past, Rose, off of the Titanic soundtrack. The movie was beautiful to me at only 14 years old. And as I sat there tonight watching it, 14 years later, it was still beautiful and I believe held a deeper meaning to me.
As I watched I feel in love with Jack and Rose and their love, I found myself wanting that kind of love, a self sacrificing love. At 14 all I wanted was to be in love and that was all I really saw. I know somewhere it registered that Jack was a great guy but not like it does now. As I watched I realized a few things. One, I will never again give any part of my heart to a man that does not deserve it.
As I watched I realized something came true for me, that did not for Rose. Jack stated, “They’ve got you trapped, Rose. And you’re gonna die if you don’t break free. Maybe not right away because you’re strong but… sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose… that fire’s gonna burn out… ” I realized that I did let my fire burn out. I let family members take it, my mother especially and I definitely let it fully burn out when I was married. He took the fire in me and blew it out, slowly. he was very cunning about it and I did not realize it was gone for a long while. I died fully to who I was in trying to be who he wanted me to be. And that is rather sad.
What is worse is I don’t fully die at other times but I let my flame flicker and get low. I try to be what everyone wants and needs too much. I lose myself. If people think I am nuts, then I slowly let go of what is burning deep inside of me. I’ve done it my whole life. I still do it. I try to dress like I should, volunteer for everything under the sun. I give and give and give until i am depleted and can give no more. I do not take time to walk, to sing, to listen to music, or to write. I lose the fire that makes me me.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I am getting closer everyday but ahhhhh I just want to be there. To be the vision of me I see inside. I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to write, to create. I want to see there is a reason I love it so and I just know deep inside that I will help more people this way. But I have to be bold and just do it. I have to say no to some things and not do out of obligation or guilt. I have to be strong and use the gifts God gave me.
I was it was easy and maybe it really is, but I make it hard. I dunno. I just know I want a life of being me, a life of adventure, a life of love. I want to be like Rose in the movie and ride that horse. For me, my horse is writing full time. It is getting up on Saturdays, taking a walk and going to the coffee house. It is learning more about my country and politics. It is hiking. It is fishing, hunting, growing a garden, just living off the land. It is being self sufficient in my Lord. It is reading His word daily. It is having prayer. It is loving my family and friends in a healthy way a n not an all “consuming” of me way.
Now,back to love part. As I watched, I relaized I want a man that loves like that. A man that loves and gives of himself like I do. A man that would give up his life, to save mine. I want a man of character and heart. I want the man on the list in my Bible. And of course I thought of that man from my past. Yet, even if he is not the one, someone is and I am not wasting another peice of my shattered, pieced-back- together heart on a man who is self centered. I will wait on a real man, with a beautiful heart. Because I want a love like that; a love where I can be me and he can be himself. A love where we help the fire of one another burn. I want a man that loves my fiesty side, loves my frutiy outfits, love my boldness, and my heart. I want a man to love me with a fierce-ness of soul, like I will love him.
I want that kind of love, the kind of love Jack and Rose had in the move.
Some may think it corny for me to compare myself to a movies characters but I think it is me. It is what I do and I think if you can connect with a character, then that character was greatly written. I will one day write characters such as Jack and Rose.
I lay my head back as the music fades to the end and smile. It is a nice place to be, in contentment with me, my life and where it is all going. My fire is lit and will only grower brighter!
Written 4-21-12 12:44 am
written to Rose from the Titanic Soundtrack