Words bring Life

Words. Just Words. Scribbles upon a page, yet they bring freedom, they bring life. Sweet Life. How can something that so many take for-granted be the one thing that brings me life? When I write, when I have sweet melodies playing in the background, I feel like me. The real me. The me He created me to be. It’s my salvation here on earth. My Christ is brought more to life inside of me when I write. With those words, some may judge. But it is different for each of us–being alive. Truly alive in Christ. Being who He has created us to be. I refuse to live my life in a stupor anymore. Denying the gift He has given me, the things He uses to teach me and grow me. I want to live in His way, not the way of the world. Not the way I am supposed to, but in His freedom, His way.

I pray I lose the words no more.

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My Sweet Melody of Words

Words, words, words. To you they may simply be letters tied together on a page. Holding very little significance, only being a must in your rushing of every day life; I have to sign this, read this, jot this down.

But to me they are so much more. They are a melody ever ringing in my ears. A soundtrack to my life. My past, my present, and my future all strung together. Playing  like a symphony. I feel the beat of each word in my heart.  I hear the strum of the truth deep in my soul from the whispering of the words.  With each Key stroke of a word that is played I feel the pain of the past, the joy of the present, the anticipation of the future.

I feel alive when I write. I feel whole. My body relaxes, pain goes away, and the words, they simply flow. They come out like therapy for my broken heart. A healing balm for the wounded soul.

Words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are life to me.

I have spent too many days neglecting the life they bring to me. Too many days trying to do more and be the right person.Too many years running, running from the words which complete me. Even as I sit here now with a hot cup of Irish tea, my thinking music playing and feeling the joy of the Lord enter my heart with each word; even now, I feel I should be reading, I should be in bed, I should be folding laundry. Anything but allowing the words to create a melody.

And why? Why do I deny my passion? Why do I think I need to fit into a cookie cutter mold? Why is writing the first thing I push away? Why do I fear what writing could mean?

How I can I deny the gift of my soul in the form of words upon a page? I fear if I continue to do so, I will be no more. A shell of me, a shell of who I have been created to be.

You see, words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are my own special melody; a melody that only plays as each word I write touches the page.

 

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I must serve the gift of the Words

I keep disappearing from here. I keep disappearing form me. I keep disappearing from these things called words that make up me in so many ways. I am someone not complete without words on a page with a hot cup of tea and deep music playing. I lose who I am. I become angry and broken. I become lost. I now know it is because this is part of who God has created me to be. I know it for a fact, finally. It has only taken me about 16 years to learn that about myself or I should say accept it as okay. Now are the steps to finally make this a major part of my life since it is a part of me. Not denying who I am or becoming lost in who I think I am supposed to be, just simply being me. Putting words onto a page, letting my fingers flow to the beat of the music. Feeling alive and whole and complete as the words dance upon the page. Feeling such a burden lift, feeling as if I can breathe. Feeling like the me God has created me to be.

I do not want to deny this essential part of myself because in essence I am denying Christ and his work in my life. When I deny the gifts He has given me, the things He uses to free me, to use me, then I deny Him. I say my way is better and I turn from Him. I no longer want to do this. I want to write and write and write some more. I want to listen to Him speak to me through the words. I want to see how I will grow and what I will learn. I want to bless others with His word through me.

I want to be alive.  I want to serve my Christ with the gift, the life He has given me. In the words of my favorite author Madeleine l’Engle:

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And serve I will.

The Words-My Salvation

My Salvation.

My Christ.

My Life.

he came. he died, so that I might be. that I might one day live with Him.

That I may fall down, get back up, and try again. that I might have that chance to accept, to have true faith.

My Salvation.

My Christ.

My Life.

I’ll never forget the day, the day I cried. the day i walked down that aisle to my Christ. I felt the call on my life. i felt He understood my pain, my heart, my life.

My tears fell and it was if I ran. i ran into the se of other souls crying out for

Their Salvation.

Their Christ.

Their Life.

I was only eight, but I know that day changed the course of my life. It created a new path; a path I chose to take with

My Salvation.

My Christ.

My Life.

I’ve had so many missteps. I’ve walked off the path on side roads.

I’ve seen Him cry. Felt His heart break for me. Yet he has never left me. he has remained by my side-ever guiding me, calling me back to His side.

My Salvation.

My Christ.

My Life.

And here I stand again on the cusp of something great. wanting to take more than the first step. I’m good at that, it’s the next steps that I forget to take.

So I cry out to you…

My Salvation.

My Christ.

My Life.

Help me. I can’t do this without You. Please Oh Lord, Jesus. Help me write and write and write.

Help me do this diligently, to be obedient, to heed the call on my life.

For too long I’ve ignored the call out of guilt and fear. I can not anymore. i’m lost without these words upon a page. Words that make me feel alive. Words that complete me. Words that help me learn, grow, feel, believe, and see.

Words that draw me closer to you….

My Salvation.

My Christ.

My Life.

I can’t describe the way I feel inside when I write and the music plays. My heart beats increasingly as the band plays and my pen touches the page.

i feel complete, in peace, just alive. Alive in you…

My Salvation.

My Life.

My Christ.

It is my heart, my call. It is you….

My Salvation.

My Life.

My Christ.

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Written 5-5-15 10:30-10:50 pm. Written to Salvation by Gabrielle Aplin form the If I Stay, soundtrack.

video to song, pulled form you tube.

Picture drawn by me.

Country kitchen, boiling noodles, and hot tea…

As I sit here tonight, in my little country kitchen staring at beautiful local hand crafted cabinets, grape wallpaper, an eggshell hutch filled with labeled old  tin sugar, flour, cornmeal cans, and a menu chalkboard labeling the weekly meals hanging on the wall; cant get more country than that. And I actually do live in the country so maybe its extra country? Anywhoo, as sit here, I have a hot cup of tea, some sweet tea cooling on the counter, some frozen homemade spaghetti sauce thawing and noodles boiling for tomorrows dinner. I can not believe that at 9 pm I am up doing this and writing all at the same time. I am usually so tired and tonight is no different. Physically my body is tired, my muscle ache from the pain of a condition I can really do little about (fibromyalgia). Yet tonight is different, not only in my being able to get up and do these things. But more so, in that I am writing and enjoying a hot cup of tea while I do so, in my little kitchen of all places. I usually do not write or make time for it or anything I really love. My days are spent at my job as a Parent Educator getting to be creative and to help people. I love it but it is tiring at times. When I am not at work I am caring for my husband, sometimes my 3 stepsons (the days they are here, and my 3 dogs. Oh and this lovely home we own right in town, our tiny little town but town nonetheless. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in all I need to do or think I should do that I miss the little things. The joy in the blessings I have. I have a home I own, a job, 3 stepsons, a husband and doggies. I am blessed. Yet I usually live lost and sad and broken. I forget the joys when I am wrapped up in responsibility, wallowing in my own self pitty.

Tonight for some reason was different. I came into the kitchen, tossing our bowls from the homemade blackberry cobbler I made and was thinking of eating a small bowl of cereal and laying on the couch. Then I saw the noodles I needed to make and then the tea that was almost empty. As I started these, I stretched a little right in the kitchen and felt a lil better. Then I decided on a hot cup of tea, before I knew it I was aching to go to the office/craft room and write. But the noodles were taking forever and if I waited on the noodles to get done, the tea in my cute little cup would be cold and I would be  inevitably too tired. If I left the kitchen I would ruin the noodles and possible set my house on fire. Choices choices… of course I would stay in the kitchen.

And with that you must excuse me while I go to check the noodles……

I am back, all is well and finally the noodles are done!

So back to when I had that light bulb moment of sitting on the stool at the little table in my country kitchen and simply writing as my noodles cooked. i made the choice, as you can now tell, to do just that. to sit and write, to watch my noodles, to sip hot tea. And here I am writing and feeling more like me than I have felt in a long time. I am here feeling relief and life and my God. I am here in my kitchen feeling grateful for all I have and the ability to multitask. Haha. Who knows maybe this will be my new spot for not only sanity, but for inspiration as well?

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Will I?

I think upon that girl I was at only 16 years of age. So young, so full of hope, life, dreams. I felt I could conquer the world but I was afraid to try. So much of my life is this cycle of being who I truly am and then becoming who I think I need to be. A cycle of losing who I am. A cycle of losing all that makes me…well me. I for some reason feel guilty being who I am, for loving music, words on a page. For dreaming of simply being a writer. Why do I feel like I should want something else? Why do I feel like this can’t be God’s call on my life because it is selfish?

I have been here so many times…knowing I am called to be a write. Knowing this is what God has for me…I only wonder if this time will be different? Will I write? Will I go and create in my little art room? Will I play the music that moves me…that makes me feel oh so deeply?

That is the question…Will I?

 

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(image taken from Google image search. Quote by Mary Oliver)

Be ALIVE to Your Life!

I came home to write about the fireflies I saw tonight and probably still will; But as I sat down to my computer and the amazing music started I had tears of joy in my eyes and was excited to be writing (as it is such a deep passion in my life) and then I heard that still small voice of God say, “Be ALIVE to your life.” I knew I needed to write something else. I knew I needed to write what He was speaking at that moment. I am so glad I did. Below is a beautiful piece from my good Lord above and I am even more reassured in all He has for me and all I want to do is live for Him! My God is sooooo good!! 🙂 Peace and love all.

There is so much you can do. So much you should do. You have to make yourself alive to do it. When you feel sad, when you feel alone, when you hate the thought of coming home to an empty house so you busy yourself till late at night(then all you do is come home, feed the dogs and collapse in the bed and then don’t sleep thinking if all you need to do at the house); Be alive to it all. Be alive to your life. There was a time when you came home to be alone too much,  a time when you were gone too much (a time, such as now) , and a time when you had it balanced just right. Be alive. I know you want that house close to your mom. I know you want to be married to him. I know you want to be a mother. And it will all come in time, I promise. It will all be here one day soon. Trust in me. But until then….be alive to your life. Be alive. Look at each day, as I told you tonight, look at it as a new day…a new beginning.

10:50 pm 5-30-11

Written to All This Time by One Republic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIY_2t0ZKPU