The vulnerable place for me is wanting to write and knowing its my calling but feeling guilty about it, being scared of it, worrying, thinking about everything, not knowing where to start.I am still trying to fight my way back. I feel so alive right now…writing, putting words on paper. Knowing when I write, I feel alive, free, joyful…I am me; the me God intends for me to be. Why oh why do I run from it?
I wrote this tonight as I began the book from Lysa TerKeurst, The 7 Secrets You Need To Know As A New Writer. What truth it holds. Anytime I allow myself to write I always come back to my favorite author, Madeline L’Engle and if you have never read her, Oh you must. So I opened her book, Bright Evening Star and I began to read though it. I came to Chapter 12 and read, “But Jesus did, loved God enough so that he was willing, in his humanness, to got to death that his divinity could have prevented.” Jesus did this and I am afraid to write? What is my calling in comparison to His? I am called to put words on page, speak life into others, he was called to die for us. That puts it into perspective a little. I had to shake my head and say, “Wow, I am so sorry and thank you Lord.”
Now is the hard part….living this out. Writing daily. Its not gonna be easy but it will be worth it. It is the calling He has placed in me. I don’t want to wake up another year older int he same places. I want to follow his plan. I want to write and write and write. I want the love of my savior to flow onto the page as it did with my favorite author. I want to inspire and entertain and grow others, as she did for me. I want to do as I am called and live the life He has for me. No more fear, procrastination, perfectionism to hold me back. To step boldly onto the water and trust my Savior who gave all for me.
I am sitting here thinking what do I write? Where do I begin? And I hear, “Write what you know.” Hmmm. What do I know? I know children, I know families, I know creativeness, kindness, and giving. I know love, being a wife, the dream of being a mother. I know failure, regret, and hardship. I know excitement and joy. I know God. I know pain, heartache, and heartbreak. I know what it is to have a wonderful husband. Sadly I know what it is to have a lousy one as well, ah and yes there again comes the regret. LOL, how else can write that I literally just laughed out loud. Ah and I know words and they joy and lightheartedness they bring. The truth they display as they pour out of me onto a page. As I write this I feel as if I am creating a masterpiece. I feel as if the words are so grand and full of life. Words that will touch another’s heart and soul. To bring them joy, truth, and even an escape from reality for a brief time. Words that burn into someone’s mind, helping them become alive, to take that big step and live their life. I know words have done this for me. Words in books, poems and definitely words in a song. Listening to a speech on the golden globes or the words in a movie. Listening to an evangelist tell his heartbreaking story that ended with the love of a savior. Words of truth, life and love that touched me so deeply that at the tender age of eight, I gave my own heart to the Lord.
Yes words, they are gift from God. I mean look, he spoke us into being. He gave us a savior who spoke in creative stories to teach us. And he gave us the Bible. It is safe to say God is a lover of words. He is the author and finisher of our lives and faith. He was the first writer at heart. And I have always felt I am a woman after God’s own heart, just like David was a man after God’s own heart. Maybe that is why words burn so deeply in me. Why I feel at home and complete and utterly alive when I write. Maybe that is why God used them to save my life, not only in His Word or the words he gave the evangelist, but also when I was teen with a not so easy life. Yes, when I was that teen struggling with deep emotions and problems bigger than others my age, He gave me songs and a simple black and white composition that changed my life. It stopped me from trying drugs or cutting my wrists. It was my gift from Him to grow me, teach me and show me His love in a deep and magnificent way.
As I write this and my heart swells up like a big hot air balloon. I know that this is my gift to the world. It is a purpose, a calling he has placed on my life. To write and write and write some more. To let my words be a light to those lost and hurting just as I was at one time. To say to them, you are loved.
On days like this all I wanna do is write. Writing is on my brain so much and in my heart that I can’t even focus on work. My brain swirls and twirls and creates. I’ve found when I don’t take my ADHD meds I am so much more creative but it’s not conducive for Social Work and all the paperwork I have. But yes all I want to do is write. To learn to get these thoughts out of my brain coherently for others to be touched, entertained and loved. Yes I want others to feel loved from reading my words. To feel they are not alone in this world but that there are others who hurt, laugh, cry and act goofy like they do and for them to know it is all okay. My dream to also become a professor and teach other souls; to guide them and direct them.
The thought of getting into NYU scares me but I am just gonna push forward and try anyway and not worry. My prayer has been “if you want me to get in God, then I will….if not I will know I am to stay here.” There are so many possibilities sand I just want His way and His will…either way I just know I will be writing. I will be touching souls and hearts with the words God has poured into my heart.
All I wanna do is write…
My heart melts upon a piece of paper. Words formed to make me who I am. My feeling. My heart and soul. My dreams. My confusions. My life. Yes, my heart burns and pours and melts. I know no other way. When writing I feel so alive. I feel free. I feel like I am touching another soul besides me. I am able to see a little more clearly. I am able to get out all I feel inside. I am able to be. I love to turn on my deep music, as I call it, and let the words form in my mind. It is beautiful to me. I can’t fully describe how I feel. My heart lifts and I want to cry but I feel excitement and fear too; almost liking riding a roller coaster in some ways. Beauty on a page. My heart dripping word by word. Life. True and real life. More than I will ever know. Life. Words upon a page. Words to be. Words that are free. Life. Sweet life. As my heart melts words onto the page of all that I am to be in this life.
How can I dream of so many different lives? How can I envision each one of them and something in each one feel so right? How can I dream to be in so many different places and be happy? And ultimately which dream is right? Which one should I follow and chase after?
I can picture living in California. I picture the green that covers around my home (maybe wine country?). I picture walking on the beach the breeze blowing through my hair pulled back in a low pony tail. I have on my white flowey shirt and Capri kakis. I carry my sandals. I take in the sound of the waves, the smell of the sea and the warmth of the sun. I stop sit in the sand and write in my black and white composition book.
Then I picture living in NYC and going to NYU. I picture my little home. I picture walking down the city street in my pea coat with my scarf from Ireland wrapped around me, the pink hat atop my head. I carry my books for class. I breathe in and look up and feel, well I feel, alive.
I can picture moving to this little city close by and being a freelance writer. Having a cute home and going to the neat places around town. I picture listening to the street singers with my husband and eating noodles at the noodle house. And I will still be close to my family.
I picture the house with sun and kind of secluded. It is cozy inside and I am cooking for my family, while they lounge and I write form home. (Like I wrote about in wasteland)
I want ALL of these in some form. They all feel alive and real and at different times I think each one is what I really want. Am I doomed to waste my life and just be confused forever? Ughh…..what to do…what to do…….
1-27-10 9:35 pm
So, I just finished reading up for my next writing assignment that I should have turned in weeks ago. I also just read some in the Writer’s Digest I recently subsribed to and ummmm well here it is…..IF I WANT TO BE A WRITER I MUST WRITE! It is up to me. And yes I write on here but not everyday. I also am in a writing school that is for working people and so I know I can turn in my assignments whenever and therefore I do not do them in a timely fashion. In one year I have turned in 4 assigments! That is ridiculous. I have found it is harder to do the assignments than write my feeling down or write poetry but I must start….it truly is up to me to be the writer I dream to be. No more excuses. I am seperated and have no children…yes I am the oldest sibling of 8 others and do a lot of family stuff BUT still no more excuses. I know God has given me this gift and desire for a reason but He will not do it for me! So, I am beginning with what He has given me…the writing school and then when He sees me working at it, then He will show me the next step…….
It is up to me.
10-11-09 8:00 pm
Well, Here I am Again…..
Pouring my heart out on a page. I guess I just had to write and state that– man life is a suprise and how time moves along. How do we get to where we are I wonder? Soemtimes it is so clear,and other times it is foggy. I seek and search and see and yet do not. Hmmm…..I am still waiting for a change and am torn. I want to go from here and only visit and be a writer and live in this dream and meet the man that will complete me in some crazy way. And yet I hate the thought of leaving this beatuiful area. Of leaving my family, friends and home. And I think I can write here. Then the thought of living here always and having to send my kids to school here and deal with the same people in this too small town knowing everything…ughhhh…is all I can say. So, here I am again…torn…as always. Thinking too much. But knowing I will know what to do and where to go/stay when the time comes. I know my God will show me and His plan…well it is the best…..
So I wait again and turn over the dreams and thoughts and one day we will see. ….
8-27-09 12:42 pm