My Sweet Melody of Words

Words, words, words. To you they may simply be letters tied together on a page. Holding very little significance, only being a must in your rushing of every day life; I have to sign this, read this, jot this down.

But to me they are so much more. They are a melody ever ringing in my ears. A soundtrack to my life. My past, my present, and my future all strung together. Playing  like a symphony. I feel the beat of each word in my heart.  I hear the strum of the truth deep in my soul from the whispering of the words.  With each Key stroke of a word that is played I feel the pain of the past, the joy of the present, the anticipation of the future.

I feel alive when I write. I feel whole. My body relaxes, pain goes away, and the words, they simply flow. They come out like therapy for my broken heart. A healing balm for the wounded soul.

Words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are life to me.

I have spent too many days neglecting the life they bring to me. Too many days trying to do more and be the right person.Too many years running, running from the words which complete me. Even as I sit here now with a hot cup of Irish tea, my thinking music playing and feeling the joy of the Lord enter my heart with each word; even now, I feel I should be reading, I should be in bed, I should be folding laundry. Anything but allowing the words to create a melody.

And why? Why do I deny my passion? Why do I think I need to fit into a cookie cutter mold? Why is writing the first thing I push away? Why do I fear what writing could mean?

How I can I deny the gift of my soul in the form of words upon a page? I fear if I continue to do so, I will be no more. A shell of me, a shell of who I have been created to be.

You see, words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are my own special melody; a melody that only plays as each word I write touches the page.

 

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Drive My Soul

 

I love how music and the words to a song can deeply touch your soul. I love how you feel every emotion more intensely when this occurs and you make a deeper connection with who you are, what you feel and with God. I personally love to roll the windows down, turn the music up full blast and just drive. I love to let the moment drive me. To feel intensely, to grow, to be truthful with who I am inside. To become a little more of me. To deal with pain, hurt and grief or to just immerse myself in the purest joy.

Lately I have been addicted to the song, Drive My Soul by Lights. I know it is probably about a love with another person, however for me…I think of my God. The lyrics “You make the Darkness Disappear, I feel Found when you stay near, I know where I am when you are here, My way becomes so clear,” are the deepest example of how I feel when I am allowing myself to be close to the Lord. When I listen to God as He speaks to me, when I speak to Him, when I read His word and seek his way and obey, I feel peace. My way does become so clear. I no longer feel all the confusion. I hear and obey and I feel peace. I don’t wallow in my confusion and then make my choice. I just trust and even when it seems crazy, it all works out.

I also usually have this confusion about who I am. It has been my struggle for years and for the first time in my life, I no longer feel confused. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I used to be so confused about if I should move or stay here. I finally realized last year how much I love it here. Then in the fall I went to visit my brother in New York and asses the city as if I lived there and realized I did not want to live there. I was praying about where to go to school and what to go for and God lead me to Full Sail University. I felt guilty doing writing but could feel God pushing me that way. I knew he had told me to apply so I did it! I will start in the fall. Then most recently God showed me he wants me to build a house behind my Mom. This was humbling for me b/c I have always said that she and I would not be able to handle it. Yet, God showed me the vision and I asked my Mom and I have such an excitement about building my home soon.

I wasted a lot of time the last 10 years, I made a million bad choices, I have ignored God for my own selfish pursuits. I now see God never intended for me to leave this town. My big dreams of singing, fame, California and then New York were my plans. They were not what God had for me. I wanted these things I now see because I thought it would complete me. I thought I had to leave to be me and I was tired of taking care of everyone. I see now that I had to be me here. I see that God has given me this amazing and mighty gift of loving people. I remember writing something in high school once that said all I wanted to do was love. How true it is and I have been running from the ones God has given me to love. I don’t have anxiety or stress about it anymore because I only do what God tells me to do. I don’t take everything on to myself. It has taken me a few years to learn it but I am so grateful. I am grateful God was patient with me. I am glad he fought for me. I am ecstatic that He kept me here. I made so many bad choices here but had amazing family and friends to help me thought. I would hate to think what would have happened had I been a million miles away.

I am continually, day by day following all He tells me to. I can’t wait to get my house built. And most recently I believe God has shown me who I will marry. I am being careful with it but handing it all to him and trying to be patient. My prayer is that I won’t rush or try to create anything but that I will trust him fully and completely. I love God so much and I only want to make Him happy and bless him, no myself!

I know where I am when He is here, my way becomes so clear, and I only want Him driving my soul.

4-11 and 4-12-11 completed at 12:04 am

Drive my Soul by Lights

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ_U__1Y_Kw

The Chance of the Words

Words form in my mind. They burn in deep. My heart beats. My breathing quickens. Words swirl and twirl and dance inside. They are dying for their chance. Their chance upon the stage. Their chance to perform. Their chance to change the world.  A chance to love. A chance to speak truth. A chance to laugh. A chance to see and be. A chance to accept help. They all want the chance to be. To be more than hidden inside of me. They seek to burst free. To burst forth from the hidden recesses of my heart, my soul, my mind. They seek to be free, as I also seek to be free. Free to speak the truth and love of Christ in a real life. The opportunity to create a new life. The ability to spark a thought, a notion, a movement. They seek to escape the cage. The seek to pour onto a notebook page or a computer screen. They seek to live and be.  And so when I should be lying in bed in sleep. I am here. I am at my computer typing thoughts onto a page. I can not ignore the desire, the excitement to set free the word, the thought, the action, the love. So I sit here and I pour out what comes to the mind. I pour out the words which need to be set free, it is their time. Their time to grace the page and change the world. Their time to create a melody of life. Their time. Their time. It is their time and it is mine. It is mine. No longer can I hide. As I allow them to burst onto the page, I am able to burst out of me. As I set them free, I am ultimately set free. My dreams no longer feel like long-lost dreams, they feel real and attainable. Each day I am closer and closer. Each day that I commit to allowing the words to be free, to dance across a page; each day I allow this, I am closer to my dream of living a life of writing. The life that burns and has always burned in me.

Words pour forth–the beauty in an infamous void—it is me set free.

3-8-10 1:04 am

Written to Color Blind by Counting Crowes

My Heart Melts

My heart melts upon a piece of paper. Words formed to make me who I am. My feeling. My heart and soul. My dreams. My confusions. My life. Yes, my heart burns and pours and melts. I know no other way. When writing I feel so alive. I feel free. I feel like I am touching another soul besides me. I am able to see a little more clearly. I am able to get out all I feel inside. I am able to be. I love to turn on my deep music, as I call it, and let the words form in my mind. It is beautiful to me. I can’t fully describe how I feel. My heart  lifts and I want to cry but I feel excitement and fear too; almost liking riding a roller coaster in some ways. Beauty on a page. My heart dripping word by word. Life. True and real life. More than I will ever know. Life. Words upon a page. Words to be. Words that are free. Life. Sweet life. As my heart melts words onto the page of all that I am to be in this life.

 

1-27-10

9:50 pm