The Rainbow in the Storm

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“God did not promise we will never experience storms, but He has promised He will be with us during them.

God further promised, “Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant …” (Genesis 9:16). God knows we are forgetful, but He isn’t. He never forgets His covenants and reassures us with a rainbow that He always remembers.” Prayer: Lord, life is filled with tragedy and pain yet it’s the sun shining through the rain that creates the beauty of a rainbow. So shine through our circumstances and show us Your beauty and glory in the midst of the storm. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
-Krista Williams
Thank you Lord that in the midst of all of our boys being kept from us, that we have you to lean on. Thank you that  your glory is shining through the storm. Thank you for your promises to us. All in your time. We ask for favor and for our boys to all be home soon. It’s not easy but it has drawn us closer to you. In all things we give you the glory, the honor, & the praise. Help us and others to see the rainbow through this storm. In  your name, Jesus, we pray. Amen!

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Our Eternal Comforter

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I find comfort in the words on this page of my prayer book and pray all can feel the same comfort. The last couple of years have been trial after trial and there were times I felt defeated, hopeless, lost, & angry. Now I am working to daily keep God first by waking in the morning and spending time with Him, praying, reading, &  listening. And with that comes peace, joy, patience, kindness, and love. His love can strengthen us and give us hope.
So we must never forget, no matter where we are, God is there. “Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and through grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and strengthen them in every good work and word.” -1 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Strength in Words…Strength in my Christ

Words urge to break free. All morning I have wanted to words upon a page and yet have been too busy. But should I be too busy to take a few moments to free myself upon a page?–To connect with myself, the real me, my God, My Savior, My heart and my soul?

I think I should instead write and write and write. Especially when so much in my world is a mess. When my husband’s ex keeps on sabotaging our relationship with his son….lying, hurting our character, getting us in possible trouble…me with a jury trial in a few short weeks. It breaks my heart and makes me angry. Why? Why does someone have to be so vindictive and mean? I am praying daily for guidance and direction, for the truth to win out. I am so blessed to know my God and to know He is there through it all. he is guiding me, supporting me and allowing it for a reason. I pray for the charges to be at rest, with a jury who will see the truth. I pray that the truth wins out. I pray she will be told to stop hurting her son in the way she is.

I breathe in peace and out all the anger, hurt, and resentment. I breathe in joy. I breathe in love. My God, My Christ, My Friend. With him I stand, waiting for the next step. Waiting for His word and guidance. Waiting…patiently.

He will allows be with me, love me and never forsake me.

I can do this, I am strong in Christ and can rise above the waves crashing all around me.

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Taken from Google Image Search

 

You are loved….a lover of words

I am sitting here thinking what do I write? Where do I begin? And I hear, “Write what you know.” Hmmm. What do I know? I know children, I know families, I know creativeness, kindness, and giving. I know love, being a wife, the dream of being a mother. I know failure, regret,  and hardship. I know excitement and joy. I know God. I know pain, heartache, and heartbreak. I know what it is to have a wonderful husband.  Sadly I know what it is to have a lousy one as well, ah and yes there again comes the regret. LOL, how else can write that I literally just laughed out loud. Ah and I know words and they joy and lightheartedness they bring. The truth they display as they pour out of me onto a page. As I write this I feel as if I am creating a masterpiece. I feel as if the words are so grand and full of life. Words that will touch another’s heart and soul. To bring them joy, truth, and even an escape from reality for a brief time. Words that burn into someone’s mind, helping them become alive, to take that big step and live their life. I know words have done this for me. Words in books, poems and definitely words in a song. Listening to a speech on the golden globes or the words in a movie. Listening to an evangelist tell his heartbreaking story that ended with the love of a savior. Words of truth, life and love that touched me so deeply that at the tender age of eight,  I gave my own heart to the Lord.

Yes words, they are gift from God. I mean look, he spoke us into being. He gave us a savior who spoke in creative stories to teach us. And he gave us the Bible. It is safe to say God is a lover of words. He is the author and finisher of our lives and faith. He was the first writer at heart. And I have always felt I am a woman after God’s own heart, just like David was a man after God’s own heart. Maybe that is why words burn so deeply in me. Why I feel at home and complete and utterly alive when I write. Maybe that is why God used them to save my life, not only in His Word or the words he gave the evangelist, but also when I was teen with a not so easy life. Yes, when I was that teen struggling with deep emotions and problems bigger than others my age, He gave me songs and a simple black and white composition that changed my life. It stopped me from trying drugs or cutting my wrists. It was my gift from Him to grow me, teach me and show me His love in a deep and magnificent way.

As I write this and my heart swells up like a big hot air balloon. I know that this is my gift to the world. It is a purpose, a calling he has placed on my life. To write and write and write some more. To let my words be a light to those lost and hurting just as I was at one time. To say to them, you are loved.

Acceptance in Words

My heart beats with the rythm of the words being played.
Life rings true.
Thoughts of a love to be true.
Wonderings of a heart lost in thought.
The words touch the page and all that is inside is fully brought to life.
They twist and turn, ebb and flow.
They burn as they are put down.
They are the fire in me to do what is right.
What my God calls me to.
My life burning bright in thoughts, words, the emotions on a page.
Contentment no longer eludes me.
Peace abounds.
I am finally accepting where I am.

The Regret in a Dream of Making Plans

I don’t like the word regret, yet,  I guess no one really does. Just the definition is depressing, “grief at something done or undone.”  To me, it has such a finality to it and I guess I don’t see life that way. I see life as a series of decisions, choices, doors closing but windows opening. I am the ultimate optimist. I laugh as I write this, thinking of the words a good friend of mine, RC,  used once to describe me.  “You are the  effing ( yep the f bomb) biggest optimist I know. Life has shit on you and you keep wading through, trying to smell the effing roses.”(pardon the language, RC wouldn’t say it any other way).  Ah, how I love her graphic, yet truly descriptive words. Even a good ole Christian girl, like me, needs to hear it like that sometimes; to fully realize the truth in the words.

I had never realized what an optimist I am; how I take every situation thrown at me or created by me and say, “It’s for the best. I can’t see it yet and it sucks but there is a reason,” until she pointed it out in a honest way. So with having this kind of outlook on life, I can now see why regret is not a word I say I believe in. It’s frankly not a word I wanna use or even hear.

However, as optimistic as I may be, I do have one big regret in my life. Yes, I must admit that is what it is…a regret.  Ugh, I cringe just to use the word, but I’ll get to the R word soon enough. I want to explain why this R word is such a hard belief to grasp.  For one, I don’t want to regret. I don’t want to look back on the choices that i made in that way, because choices determine the course our road takes and that road is our lives. So, I don’t want to regret my life. When I look back, I still see joy, happiness, living and growth. Therefore, how do I regret.?

Next, with that “How do I regret?” question I ask, “What if I hadn’t met certain people because of my choices?” Or rather I should ask, “What if my pain from the choices hadn’t been there to bring me some of the greatest friends I have ever known?” What if, what if I had never worked that job, Would I have met Candy and gotten through a horrible marriage by venting to her b/c she was in the same place herself?  Would I have met Becky at church who seems to know exactly what to say to draw me back into reality and into a walk with God? Would I have been able to help Maggie or Alicia with their heartaches if I hadn’t known my own? Or would I have poured by heart out to RC, the one who knows me best, the one who pushed me and helped me see I am a writer?  I can’t stand these “what ifs” because these girls I have met along this journey have been amazing.  They are my best friends in one form or another. I can’t imagine my life without them. So, how can I regret?

Finally, I feel no matter what we choose, God is there, directing us, molding us, and comforting us. IF I never traveled this bumpy road, would I know Christ in the same deep,  humble, awe stuck-in love kind of way?

However, this last one, is what makes me ask questions, “If I had done it God’s way, then wouldn’t  He have still brought all these beautiful relationships into my life anyway? I guess I’ll only know that answer, in Heaven, one day.

Now, back to my regret, the big one, I think I let “the one” get away.  Everything I can now clearly articulate that I want and need in a man, he is just that. I can’t help but look back and think, “What if?” I can’t help but be caught up in a daydream of what my life would have been like. I can’t help but think it is still a possibility. Far off maybe, but still a possibility.

I say far off because I broke him deeply, more times than one. I hurt him and I must now say that is my biggest regret, that I hurt him.  I hurt the man I loved at the tender age of 17. yes, I hurt him over and over again.

I was so deeply scared of what he truly meant to me.  How he loved me was so deep. I thought he deserved better than me. I was a mess; the oldest of nine with more responsibilities than some adults can bear. And quite simply, I was scared.  I had to be in charge to stay whole and complete in my little broken world. When I had to do so much caring, when I had to be in charge, how could I let someone come in and take care of me? That was foreign to me at the time. That was a concept I only began to understand a couple e of years ago.

Tears grace my cheeks now, thinking of what an amazing man he was at only 18. It is mind blowing to me. He was more of a man then, than most men I now know.

AHHHH, and I had him! But like I said, I broke him.

He married young like I did, he was 20 or so, I was 21. My marriage did not last, even though I fought for it to. His did not last either.

It is ironic, it is like we married the same person only in the opposite sex. Very needy people, we let change us. We both seemed to let them suck us dry in more ways than one and leave us as they went on.

And I again can’t help but regret and wonder, “what if?”

What if we had lasted and married? Would we have children now? Would he have finished college? Would I have went to school for my dream, voice and writing? Who would we be? where would we be?

I can daydream for hours, picturing what our life might have been like.  He moved to the big city, like I wanted and I stayed here like he wanted. Where would we have ended up?

Again, comes my “but,” “But, if we had ended up together, would I have became the girl, I now am?”

Would I have realized what I had? Would I be as amazed and grateful as I now am? Or would I have broken him in a deeper way? I can’t bear that thought, yet it is a valid question.

So, I sit here now, the music plays a beautiful song I’ve envisioned singing to him on our wedding day. One RC introduced me to. She is the one who pointed out that my list of the man I am waiting for that I keep tucked in my Bible was him. I tried to push it away but it is true, he is everything on my list.

Anyway back to the song that now pays, I envision singing it on our wedding day. It is a song that is true in so many ways,

“If I ever left this town, I’d never a settle down.  I’d just be wandering around if I ever left this town.”                                         A reason I know God kept me here. Without the lessons learned here, the stability, the friends, falling in love with here, my lil town, then I really would be a big jumbled up mess. I know I wouldn’t be me.

“If I wasn’t by your side, I’d never be satisfied. If I wasn’t by your side.”                                                                                                                How true this feels. How true it has been. I am satisfied in Christ but I know something is missing from my puzzle.  A big piece, the piece and I’m not fully complete or satisfied.

“Cause I’m not easy to understand, but you know me like the back of your hand.”                                                                          How true this is. I’m a mess in a million ways. I am more than one me and he knew me better than I know myself. I recently read a poem he wrote me when were only in the 12th grade and I broke down. I’m blown away at how well he knew me, the real me and he loved me for me. Serious me, broken me, dream-ful me, silly me, funny me, hippy me. He loved me in all of my forms.

“And we can go on and on, won’t ever feel too long. I’ll always call you home, and we’ll go on and on. ”                                  We could go on and on forever in our life, just loving. I could go on and on about us. And he was home to me in so many ways and if he was here with me know, he would be what I call home.

“Cause I know you like the back of my hand, got a heart of gold and a piece of land.”                                                                                  I see that I knew him fully too. We were each others best friend. And he sure had a heart of gold. It was beautiful.

Yes, I regret this love lost, let go. But the “effing” optimist still dreams and believes in the possibility of a love with him.   Between all the shit, i see the roses I carry down a sunlight aisle. And I feel the final words of the song, “Cause I’m your girl and you’re my man and we’re making plans.”

Living, loving with my man, making plans and one day …..good-bye regret.

Written in my journal 4-1-12 11 pm.

Written to Making Plans by Miranda Lambert, You tube song attached.