Your Wounds Are An Opening For His Light

As I spent time with the Lord this am, I read in the Jesus Calling devotional. God spoke to me about how he uses our “wounds and weaknesses as openings for others to see his light.” I was asked to dream on the page about how He might do that for me.

As I started to write the first thing that came to my mind was helping the homeless in NYC. I saw a vision of me with a baby on my back, my husband pushing a stroller and we were talking to the homeless. We were reaching out without fear, with understanding, with love and compassion.

I was surprised the vision was not me on a stage leading others, like I would think. It was me with my babies in tow, loving those that others deem unlovable. It was me going into the places others wouldn’t dare to go, knowing He is with me. Knowing if He leads I will follow.

I could discuss my wounds my here but instead I feel lead to say how God can use my wounds and how I have been blessed in those wounds. Jesus lead me to Matthew 5 today and the Beatitudes. How fitting.

The Beatitudes

“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,[a]
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
God blesses those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are humble,
    for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,[b]
    for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
    for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
    for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

Read those again and let it sink in…when we go through trials we are blessed. He blesses us if we will just open our eyes, and that is how I feel about my trials, my wounds and weaknesses. I see how he used and is still using those things to make me who I am and to create a heart in me that can love others. A heart that makes it like second nature to talk to those on the street and connect with people who others may never even attempt to connect with.

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This picture here shows it all . My husband said, “You look so happy here. Like this what you are meant to do.” This is Courtney from New Jersey. She was on the street at Harold Square getting money and working to get a place soon. She said they ate with donations and saved the rest. She allowed me to pray God’s blessings over her. She had a joy and I know God can and will do great things for her. I am blessed to know her, to see her joy amidst the struggle.

I ask you to look at you life, the wounds, the trials, the weaknesses and see the blessing in those. I ask you to chose Joy over discouragement and I leave you the the words from Jesus Calling.I can use your weaknesses and wounds as openings through which others see my light. Dream a little here, (in the comments section or on a piece of paper),  about how I might do that. 

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Jack

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My lil Bible study buddy sits on guard on my lap. He may just seem like a little dog but his significance to me is so much more. God brought him to me 10 1/2 years ago and he has been my constant companion. My little buddy being right by my side through some rough times.

This morning  before Jack came to sit with me, I cried out to God:
Show me where I need to grow, hand things over, and let walls be torn down.

Almost instantly he answers me by sending Jack to sit on my lap and an overwhelming feeling of emotion came over me. Such love. Then the thoughts of all he’s been for me and all I can learn from him. I am humbled as I pet him. I’m humbled because he is simply a dog but a dog that God blessed with in lonely times.  A dog that’s teaching me now about loyalty, obedience, trust, and unconditional love. Things I could have towards my God more. This little dog holds it all.
Sometimes God uses the simplest things to teach us.

You are loved….a lover of words

I am sitting here thinking what do I write? Where do I begin? And I hear, “Write what you know.” Hmmm. What do I know? I know children, I know families, I know creativeness, kindness, and giving. I know love, being a wife, the dream of being a mother. I know failure, regret,  and hardship. I know excitement and joy. I know God. I know pain, heartache, and heartbreak. I know what it is to have a wonderful husband.  Sadly I know what it is to have a lousy one as well, ah and yes there again comes the regret. LOL, how else can write that I literally just laughed out loud. Ah and I know words and they joy and lightheartedness they bring. The truth they display as they pour out of me onto a page. As I write this I feel as if I am creating a masterpiece. I feel as if the words are so grand and full of life. Words that will touch another’s heart and soul. To bring them joy, truth, and even an escape from reality for a brief time. Words that burn into someone’s mind, helping them become alive, to take that big step and live their life. I know words have done this for me. Words in books, poems and definitely words in a song. Listening to a speech on the golden globes or the words in a movie. Listening to an evangelist tell his heartbreaking story that ended with the love of a savior. Words of truth, life and love that touched me so deeply that at the tender age of eight,  I gave my own heart to the Lord.

Yes words, they are gift from God. I mean look, he spoke us into being. He gave us a savior who spoke in creative stories to teach us. And he gave us the Bible. It is safe to say God is a lover of words. He is the author and finisher of our lives and faith. He was the first writer at heart. And I have always felt I am a woman after God’s own heart, just like David was a man after God’s own heart. Maybe that is why words burn so deeply in me. Why I feel at home and complete and utterly alive when I write. Maybe that is why God used them to save my life, not only in His Word or the words he gave the evangelist, but also when I was teen with a not so easy life. Yes, when I was that teen struggling with deep emotions and problems bigger than others my age, He gave me songs and a simple black and white composition that changed my life. It stopped me from trying drugs or cutting my wrists. It was my gift from Him to grow me, teach me and show me His love in a deep and magnificent way.

As I write this and my heart swells up like a big hot air balloon. I know that this is my gift to the world. It is a purpose, a calling he has placed on my life. To write and write and write some more. To let my words be a light to those lost and hurting just as I was at one time. To say to them, you are loved.

Will You Still Love Me?

Will you still love me?…the question we ask. Luckily I have the answer, no matter what happens, I will have love for life. I have a Savior who died, he sacrificed His life for me. He rose from the dead for me and He will come back. I feel His arms around me through the trials and suffering of this world. I see His grace and mercy in my life. I Have asked where He is before, cried out and yet I feel His answer, “Yes I am here my child.” I see it in something simple, a nudge in my heart, confirmation through the words of another. Yes, he is there and will always love me. Even when human love fails, His eternal love never does.

I am grateful for knowing this, for knowing His love. I am grateful for the love He has given me in my husband. I love my husband but as I have grown, I have learned my dependency is not in my husband, it is in Christ. I was married once before, when I was young, only 21, and I depended on my husband to full-fill me. I thought we were destined to be and with him my life would be complete. However, I learned he was only human and he was weak. He had no compassion for others and was self centered. I learned from that divorce to do things differently next time. I haven’t done it all right but I am now married to a man who loves Christ and is growing. He is a man with a heart and is not self centered. I don’t lean on him for it all. I walk with him, hand in hand, taking things day by day. Being a team working together. But letting God be our coach, our guide.

 

Even now, as I write these words, I am learning. I am learning how to be, how not to be, and where I need to grow and change. I am learning how to live and be and serve the one who loves me forever and eternally.

 

 

Waiting with Words on Fire.

Words are like fire in my mind. Words of life, hope, love,and truth. The words of my Father above. Guiding me into a life better than what I try to create for myself. I am attempting to get out of the way and let him work. By doing this I have already been shown opportunities for writing. Opportunities to play out what I feel He is calling me to. A life at home caring for my babies, my family and putting words upon a page. I am taking the next step all in time and following his will he is showing me he has for me.

I am excited at the adventure before me and I can not wait to take the next step but I am waiting patiently for the right time, the time He has shown me. Unitl then I will continue to take these words that burn deep in me and place them on a page for others to see and hopefully help them grow and be set free.

The words on fire free me.

Blog 2 update

Below is the updated info on my other blog:http://wordstou.wordpress.com/  (feel free to check it out!)

So I started this blog to a man I loved when I was only 16. I couldn’t help but think maybe we were still meant to be together b/c he kept entering my mind. I was able to break down our relationship. I was able to finally figure out why I couldn’t let myself fully love him, or to let him fully love me. It taught me about what I wanted in a man, it taught me about my fears and why I run from something good. By looking at this relationship I was able to see that when someone loves me and wants to be a real man to be and take care of me, I shut down, I run.

So, originally I thought I had this man on my mind b/c we were still meant to be together, what I have learned since is that God was wanting me to learn about myself. He was preparing me for the love he was bringing me. It is so easy for us to twist things God is trying to teach us and make them what we think. Instead we need to be patient and wait on what he is trying to teach us.

I am grateful that He taught me this lesson for over a year. Because now I have a love I wanted to run from but I recognized the signs in myself and have stayed. I really believe this may be it. It is a daily battle to fight off my insecurities and tell myself he is not my ex-husband. it is a daily battle to not shut down b/c he loves me and wants to take care of me. He holds me (AMAZING!), hugs me, kisses me, carries things for me, does the mowing, etc. He is what I have been looking for, for so long. And I am not used to someone doing for me and loving me simply for me, as he does. It is scary but I am not running this time. I am staying. He is worth it.

With all of that the first few letters were to a man I loved and a man that taught me how I deserved to be loved. The next few are to the man I was given. The man I am meant to be with forever.

Sincerely,

Marie (as I will call myself on this blog).

Crazy Ramblings of a Deep Soulful Heart and Mind

I’ve been in a deep kind of dark mood latley. But I can’t help but like these times. It’s not that I rehash all I’ve been through, it’s more like I remember it and allow myslef to remember it so I don’t ever forget the choices I made, the pain I felt, and what I learned. Maybe it seems weird to some but I enjoy it in some weird way. Most of the time I am very happy and bubbly and look to the good in everything, but I do believe I need these times. I need them to stay in reality. To remind me not all people are good at heart. To remind me to not give my heart so easily.

Most people don’t see this side of me or they mistake me for being hateful during these times; when I am really lost in a million and a half deep thoughts. I am usually lost in a million thoughts but these, like I have expalined, are deeper, darker, and even painful.

I just love who I have became. How I have became me. How I have learned that God created me for a reason. It is like in this book I am reading, “Eat Pray, Love,”  it says, “God dwells in you as you.” How profound and I believe true. He gave us all a personality for a reason and He dwells in that personailty. In the chapter the author writes about how she realized she didn’t have to be quiet to be spritual. She is bubbly and chatty and that is ok. I still struggle with it but I see that is great for those who are quiet but I am not! I do not have to be! I am more effective being bubbly, talkative, loving others, lifting them up with my cheer and love and silliness. I want that. To just make people happy. WOW. WOW. WOW. I AM ME. I CAN BE ME. It is OK. I LOVE GOD and yet I am not some clone. More Christians need this revelation. Be you in Christ. I can work on aspects of my personality like she said in the book, not talking about myself so much, listening better, etc. This is what I will do. But Ahhh I am me. Weird times and all. lol

During all of this my heart yearns for a family. My heart yearns for a man who works hard. A man who loves God. A man who loves me. My heart yearns for a best friend and lover. My heart yearns for a baby.  I hate when I get like this. It is so hard to want a baby so bad and not be able to have one. But I know I will one day. I know it. I have to stay patient. But oh how I want a baby growing my belly, which I feel in my heart I should not. It sucks but I will survive. More than anything I want that sweet bundle of joy in my arms. I want to hold him/her close. I want to smell that sweet baby smell. I want to love him/her with all of me.  I want a family in my little yellow dream house behind my momma lol.  And I feel God told me I was maybe gonna marry that one guy but was it God? UGH I hate when I am not sure. I do know for sure He told me I would be married next May. I know He said I would have a baby in a year. Oh….

Why am I stressing? I will take it day by day and see. That is something I could learn, to take things day by day and stop freaking out. It will all come in time but oh it is so hard when it is all you want and dream. Something simple, to be a wife and mother, it is my dream.   

I feel crazy, all these thoughts and ramblings are running through me and out of me like a water spicket. I am a nut but like I said, I am me, and I love every crazy minute of it.

Thank you Lord for my crazy mind and the words you let pour from me. I am blessed beyond blessed and I will wait on you, it will all be here before I know it.

Me ❤

8-5-11 11:30 pm.

Written to Adele, “Someone Like You.”