I can’t Wait!!!! Oh to Be Called a Fool As I Live in Truth

 

God has been speaking some deep things to me lately and it is all so very amazing. It takes my breath away to know I have a God who loves me so; A God who is personal and real and true. He is one who walked what I walk. He knows all that I am going through and I find deep comfort in that. For that first time in my life I am actively listening every day. I am hearing what He has for me, what He asks me to do, and how He loves me so. I am blessed to call Him not only my savior but also my friend; my best friend. No matter what I am going to trust in all He has to say not caring what the world says. Not caring about my fears or doubts. Not caring about others opinions. I am going to burst forth in this world as a light. As someone who follows God at any cost. I am ready to look like a fool to the world and in the end for them to truly see.

One area is my love life. I know God has told me who I will marry and I am excited. Today I looked at his facebook page and I felt that familiar doubt and voices creeping up. “You didn’t hear God. Look he is with someone else. They are so in love. See, he will stay where he is. They are going to Disney. She treats him better than you ever did.” But unlike before I just said, “Whatever, You got this God.” I know what You told me and I am trusting in You and Your timing. I am not going to try to make it happen. It simply will come to be because I know You told me it was so.” I have no fear or worries about it because I know His voice and what He has told me and tells me daily. I am so excited about the future and how it will unfold in is timing! It will beautiful and glorious and amazing :)!

It is crazy how easy things can be, but how hard we make them out of fear, wanting to control everything, and being selfish. You see I have learned that satan uses the lies, “You deserve this. This is your dream. Follow your dreams. Live for you.” And they are LIES. Those lies are all about YOU and when my life is about ME…it sucks! I am not saying you get consumed in others and toss yourself aside….NO….you get consumed in GOD and then He leads you! It is amazing to put Him first! It is like I am fully me when I put him first! My artistic side blooms…I write and create and it is amazing! I go to the cool coffee shop to think, write, and read. I begin to dress as me. It is beautiful! I am not confused at all. I also then have more time, it seems, to love others and do for them. And things satan had me believe were not mine to worry about become things God uses me in. It is beautiful, the ultimate freedom and joy that comes!

So, I am not confused for like the first time in my life…I know I will be married in 1 year to the man of my dreams, the man who fits my list (my husband is coming home…just not the husband I thought He meant!). I will be an English teacher at my high school. I will be a mother of 2 twin boys (my sister will carry in her womb for me) and I will be adopting a baby girl soon. I know it sounds crazy BUT that is how my God works!!! He is so very amazing! He has shown me a glimpse, not how it all will happen, but that it will happen and I am blessed. I am so excited to watch it all unfold.

So I will be called a fool and I do not care!!!! I am listening to my God. Doing as He says, trusting, witnessing, worshipping and loving! I can’t wait!!!!! 🙂

…oh to be called a fool as I live in truth!

May 7, 2011

8:55 pm

Written to my mix cd called Let the Healing Begin

Utterly Confused

I sit here and a million thoughts fill my mind. I feel excitement, fear, and confusion. What is right and what is wrong.  I am watching Felicity. It si the first episode, the one where she goes to New York right away.  And I want that.  A change. To not fear and just do soemhting new and different. Then I think, I am not 18 anymore, starting college. I am 26 years old. And I am just confused. Honestly, I would love to go to NYC and go to NYU for my masters in Ccreative Writing.  TO live a new life, my dream. But then I think is this really what God wants for me, or is this just me? I feel so confused. Sometimes I feel like going to NYU is so selfish and is about me. At other times I feel it is God. Sometiems,w eel most days I ahte this small ton (LOL) and ulitimatley I do want to be gone from here BUT I do not want to leave my family. I love being with my teenage bro and sis. I love the little life I have here in ways and hate it in others. Sometiems I think too that it is the excitement of it and not the reality of what it would be. It is what movies and tv make it–not what it would really be. What is right? What is worng? What is God? and What is me? I am not sure which path to take and what to do? Do I stay here and do the online school while working? or do I move to NYC and go to school? It seems so out of reach…going to the big city alone, with 3 dogs and going to school full time, having to support myself in a more expensive place all alone……breathe and breathe out….not sure what is right and what is wrong and what I should do. I want to live for God and not people’s version of God.  I want His will and not mine and not sure what any of that is!  Ughhh always utterly confused.

1-14-10  1:39 pm