Writing Room and Life soon

Every time I get back on here and read my past posts and others posts, I feel alive again, whole and complete. Words are such a beautiful gift form God and I don’t take enough time any more to write them, to live them daily. I am really excited because we now have an extra bedroom in our home that is currently being converted into my creative room. A place for me to write, do crafts and work on my Masters homework. I am so excited about it and so grateful for the support of my finance soon to be husband (23 days!) in this. He is excited I get to have this room and is so supportive of my dreams of writing.  So I am so ready to make writing a daily thing again. Something I do every evening before I travel to bed to read a bit of a good book (currently on book 4 of the Harry Potter series). I change when I do not write everyday, I lose  piece of me that is central to who I am. I become unlikeable, almost unlovable, angry, mean, and hurtful. I can not wait for the time to put words upon a page, to have my deep thinking music playing and to connect with God. To become once again.

 

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Writing again

Well I checked on this writing class I started a LONG time ago and of course I stopped it like I always do with writing. I stopped because life got busy and writing is for some reason,t he first thing I toss out. But I checked and I can start back! I plan on starting back ASAP. I can’t wait to start writing and having a professional review the work and give me guidance. I am ready. Ready to devote time to the class. Ready to take time for me and the writing that makes me, well, ME! I am glad I have someone who supports me taking that time when I am already working on my Masters degree and working full time. But I can do it and it will make me better, writing always does. I can’t wait to get started!

 

 

I can’t Wait!!!! Oh to Be Called a Fool As I Live in Truth

 

God has been speaking some deep things to me lately and it is all so very amazing. It takes my breath away to know I have a God who loves me so; A God who is personal and real and true. He is one who walked what I walk. He knows all that I am going through and I find deep comfort in that. For that first time in my life I am actively listening every day. I am hearing what He has for me, what He asks me to do, and how He loves me so. I am blessed to call Him not only my savior but also my friend; my best friend. No matter what I am going to trust in all He has to say not caring what the world says. Not caring about my fears or doubts. Not caring about others opinions. I am going to burst forth in this world as a light. As someone who follows God at any cost. I am ready to look like a fool to the world and in the end for them to truly see.

One area is my love life. I know God has told me who I will marry and I am excited. Today I looked at his facebook page and I felt that familiar doubt and voices creeping up. “You didn’t hear God. Look he is with someone else. They are so in love. See, he will stay where he is. They are going to Disney. She treats him better than you ever did.” But unlike before I just said, “Whatever, You got this God.” I know what You told me and I am trusting in You and Your timing. I am not going to try to make it happen. It simply will come to be because I know You told me it was so.” I have no fear or worries about it because I know His voice and what He has told me and tells me daily. I am so excited about the future and how it will unfold in is timing! It will beautiful and glorious and amazing :)!

It is crazy how easy things can be, but how hard we make them out of fear, wanting to control everything, and being selfish. You see I have learned that satan uses the lies, “You deserve this. This is your dream. Follow your dreams. Live for you.” And they are LIES. Those lies are all about YOU and when my life is about ME…it sucks! I am not saying you get consumed in others and toss yourself aside….NO….you get consumed in GOD and then He leads you! It is amazing to put Him first! It is like I am fully me when I put him first! My artistic side blooms…I write and create and it is amazing! I go to the cool coffee shop to think, write, and read. I begin to dress as me. It is beautiful! I am not confused at all. I also then have more time, it seems, to love others and do for them. And things satan had me believe were not mine to worry about become things God uses me in. It is beautiful, the ultimate freedom and joy that comes!

So, I am not confused for like the first time in my life…I know I will be married in 1 year to the man of my dreams, the man who fits my list (my husband is coming home…just not the husband I thought He meant!). I will be an English teacher at my high school. I will be a mother of 2 twin boys (my sister will carry in her womb for me) and I will be adopting a baby girl soon. I know it sounds crazy BUT that is how my God works!!! He is so very amazing! He has shown me a glimpse, not how it all will happen, but that it will happen and I am blessed. I am so excited to watch it all unfold.

So I will be called a fool and I do not care!!!! I am listening to my God. Doing as He says, trusting, witnessing, worshipping and loving! I can’t wait!!!!! 🙂

…oh to be called a fool as I live in truth!

May 7, 2011

8:55 pm

Written to my mix cd called Let the Healing Begin

Everything you need is all inside you

I feel as if I am living a life void of purpose. I feel as if I simply go through the motions waiting for a change; waiting for a big sign to show me which way to go. Finally I am seeing I must make the change.

I know that I am a Christian but becoming a Christian doesn’t automatically reveal God’s purpose for us. It is getting ourselves out of the way and seeking him to find his purpose for our lives. Only then can we feel truly alive and know that our lives have meaning and purpose.

I am so grateful that God has brought the book, ThePpurpose Driven Life, into my life. I feel it changing me already. I feel hope. Hope that I won’t forever feel confused or feel there is this something more that I am missing. I am beginning to see that what drives my life is not God but it is helping people. And why that’s a noble pursuit it is not what my drive should be. My drive should be to live God’s purpose. To live for God and in that I will touch the world in a much bigger way. I believe I will be better able to love, care and take care of others if I am doing it his way.

I am also reading the book Sun Stand Still, about audacious faith. It is getting me excited, as well, about the possibilities God has for me.

I have always felt there is something else, something more, I am meant for and I want to find that and live for it…for the purpose God has given me. When I try to figure it out myself it never feels right.

I also see from both these books how much fear holds me back. Fear of leaving my family, friends and comfort. And He may want me to leave and until I am willing to give it all up and follow Him, I will be stuck here, living this confusing, unfilled life. He may want me to stay here but until I am willing to “Let Go and Let God,” I won’t have the next step.

I try to live this simple life yet my life feels hectic. I want to want the marriage and kids and country home here and I do some days but most of the time I feel there is something more for me. I think the simple home here in the country is easy. But in trying to seek the easy and comfortable. by staying in my job, I feel I am living this mundane life and my life never feels relaxed and settled. It should but it doesn’t. I am constantly on the go and not in a good way. When I was once on fire for God at 18 yrs of age, I did so much and was still there for family and friends but my life felt calmer and fuller and that’s because what I did, I “did unto the Lord.”  I did what God was guiding me to do and I truly believe he was revealing His purpose for me…then everything fell apart and I went my on way. I tried to fulfill myself with marriage and “love” and have lost a lot of years. I don’t want to do that anymore and I am not.

It is all a process, I am aware, and I am taking it day by day, trying to learn each lesson He has for me. Trying not to figure it out on my own and trying to let him open my eyes. I am praying heavily about a Women’s encounter my church is having and I am asking God to please show me my purpose and the next step. Then I want to have the faith to take that step boldly. I am believing God will reveal so much to me at this encounter and I can’t wait.

“Everything I need is all inside me…it’s not too late.” (Solider-by Goo Goo Dolls)

October 11, 2010  9:17 am

What the Future Holds

I am so excited about what the future holds. I am excited about where my writing will go. I am excited about traveling. I am excited about the love I will give and receive from others. I am excited about being an auntie again. I am excited about our drama group at church, growing and becoming all God desires. I am excited to see my family and friends blessed and happy and free. I am excited about the new friends I will make. I am excited about blogging my thoughts. I am excited about living my life in freedom for my Christ.  I am excited about traveling the world. I am excited about seeing my family more. I am excited about being a part of my church and touching the community around me.  And I am actually excited about falling in love one day. I am excited I am comfortable in my own skin. I am excited that I know my standards are my standards and someone will love that and respect me because he loves me so much. I can’t wait. I am excited about what my future holds…good and bad because the bad may be tough but I have learned to make the best of it and then there seems to be so much more good! Yes I am excited about what God’s future for me holds!

3-15-10 11:29 am

written to Here Comes Goodbye-Rascall Flats, Someone Else’s Dream-Faith Hill, and The Dance-Garth Brooks

When my Chest Aches

It is strange to not want to ever be with someone again but to still have that pain in your heart for what they did, for them being gone. It is weird to be excited about the new love that will come to you one day and yet still want to cry for that long lost love that you don’t even want. I think it is that I did really love and he was my first and only, my love, my husband, my friend. And that just doesn’t die. Even when my desire to be with him has died. Even when I see who he truly is…that life, that love, that deepness does not die.   Man, tears come to my eyes even now. My chest hurts everyday. And yet I am excited that someone is out there for me and I envision how we will meet and what he will do and I am waiitng…waiitng oin God….and I know it will be so worth it! I am excited about my life; where I am and where I am going and yet the ache is there and I truly believe in some form it always will be.  And I am glad in some ways, it reminds me to wait on God. It reminds me of where I have been and how blessed I am now….that pain….that big heartache…the one I never thought I would experience has made me …me.  God teaches us how he must and ultimately he loves us unconditionally and I know I am where I am right even in the hard crappy times because of Him and his love!  So the pain is there but life goes on and I reminded of who I am everyday when my chest aches.

1-12-10   8:55 pm