I keep disappearing from here. I keep disappearing form me. I keep disappearing from these things called words that make up me in so many ways. I am someone not complete without words on a page with a hot cup of tea and deep music playing. I lose who I am. I become angry and broken. I become lost. I now know it is because this is part of who God has created me to be. I know it for a fact, finally. It has only taken me about 16 years to learn that about myself or I should say accept it as okay. Now are the steps to finally make this a major part of my life since it is a part of me. Not denying who I am or becoming lost in who I think I am supposed to be, just simply being me. Putting words onto a page, letting my fingers flow to the beat of the music. Feeling alive and whole and complete as the words dance upon the page. Feeling such a burden lift, feeling as if I can breathe. Feeling like the me God has created me to be.
I do not want to deny this essential part of myself because in essence I am denying Christ and his work in my life. When I deny the gifts He has given me, the things He uses to free me, to use me, then I deny Him. I say my way is better and I turn from Him. I no longer want to do this. I want to write and write and write some more. I want to listen to Him speak to me through the words. I want to see how I will grow and what I will learn. I want to bless others with His word through me.
I want to be alive. I want to serve my Christ with the gift, the life He has given me. In the words of my favorite author Madeleine l’Engle:
And serve I will.