I try to always be positive. To be grateful for all I have. To not look at any negative thing. But on some days, for whatever reason I struggle with this. Some days all I see is the negative. I get angry about the pain my body is constantly in. I get angry about how bad I feel everyday when I am such a happy person who wants to just love and help people. I get a little depressed and sad about it all. I feel angry and want to have a melt down over the littlest thing. I feel overwhelmed at the littlest of things. Or I just want to sit in the shower, the warm water beating down on and just cry. To cry for the unfairness of the sickness my body is constantly in. To cry for not being a wife. Top cry for not being able to carry a baby. To cry for not being a mother yet. To cry for all the mistakes I have made, people I have hurt, not meaning to. To cry for all of it.
As I type I cry. Maybe I have needed to let all this out. To not bottle my feelings inside in an effort to only be positive..
As I cry I also see the blessings God has given me; a man who loves me for me and wants to take of me. A man who understands my heartache. A man who is okay with me not being able to have a baby the traditional, natural way. I have a lot of love, a lot of goodness and for all of that I am thankful.
There are just those days, like today when I see the pain, the brokenness more and need to yell or cry about ti.