Sometimes I feel so lost and confused. I feel broken and unsure of my life and the next step to take. Why? Why am I like this? What is the right path to take? What is God’s will and way? Not mine. Not the worlds. Not what I think I need to do…..
A part of me loves it here in this small town. I love that my family is right down the road. I love that is simple here and quiet. I love that I have friends who grew up here. I love that it’s beautiful and bigger than me, in its simple little way.
But then I love the city. I love NYC. I love that it is far away. I love that it is a chance to fully and completely be on my own; a chance to grow and change. It is new, different and holds something more than being a big city, it holds a new life. It holds new friendships, and possibilities of love and life.
I love to write, it holds so much of who I am. I feel alive when I write. I feel free. I feel happy and real and complete. What more can I say? I want to write all day, every day. I want to write and write and write some more. I want to touch hearts, heal wounds, and bring smiles with my words upon a page. I want to give them the love and life of Christ in the words.
I love to help people. I love to work with babies and families. And I want to have a daycare/family center in my little town and reach those who are broken, those who need the love of Christ in their lives.
I want to build this simple country home behind my mom. I want to build it so that it can be filled one day with a family. I want my country kitchen and cozy living room with a fire place. I want the back yard with apple trees and a swing set. I want a front porch with watching chairs and a white picket fence.
Then I think I don’t need that now. I need a small home or a camper to live in to save money, pay of my little amount of debt. I don’t need something big right now. I need something smaller and simpler.
I got into an online college for creative writing. But then I question if I should do this. I am supposed to start in the fall. But should I instead studying more child development or human development and focus on helping people more? Or my heart still yearns for me to take the GRE and to apply to NYU’s creative program.
Then my family really wants me to try out for American Idol and oh how I do love to sing. I may not make it on but what if I did? Is that a life I want? One in the spot light? Not really. Yet to be on a stage touching souls with a song…wow. I do love to sing and love music and the money would allow me to help others more.
Then do I tell this guy I love him now? Do I direct him to the new blog? Do I just sit back and wait?
Or am I wanting love so bad I am thinking he is my one? What if it is someone else? How will he feel when he sees the love letters to him blog? Or what if I am destined to be single?
Do I keep trying to be a foster parent? Or do I let that go? Do I attempt to adopt in a couple of years if no man comes along?
I feel insane! I wish I just knew what to do. I wish I knew what was God and what was me. I wish I knew what to do. But I don’t. I am so sick and tired of getting to this place. Sometimes I feel so sure of my life and choices then I wonder what if? And I am then again lost in myself and the many me’s and all the possibilities and what ifs. I keep feeling like I am the right track to a degree but missing out on something God is trying to show me or tell me. So here I am again and I am begging God to help me see. To show me the next step. I want to live the life I am destined and become the me He wishes me to be…..
11:00 pm on 5-29-12
written to: Turning Page by Sleeping at Last