As I watched one of my favorite bands(The Fray) tonight, that infamous urge to go somewhere else hit. But this time instead of thinking of moving to NYC or regretting my choices, I stopped and I simply enjoyed the music. I let it fill every ounce of my being. I prayed, thanking God for everything. I prayed for my brother and his girlfriend, who were fighting. I thanked him for the love of music He has placed in me. I thanked Him for my deep mind. I asked Him to guide me.
As the concert came to an end I felt so alive, so free. I was my hyper self; bouncing down the street, laughing, being silly. It was amazing! As I rode in the car I realized, that hyper me is me. Me in a beautiful form but it cannot always be me. I realized I am a beautiful mess of a million me’s in the moment. However, I want to try to be joyful in them all. I realized I do want that bouncy, hyper me alive as much as possible. It doesn’t mean that I’m a ditz, nope my brain seems to never shuts off. Yet that part of me is contagious. It made my brother laugh, my sister laugh and even my brother’s girlfriend broke out a smile. I loved every minute of it.
Also, as we drove, I allowed the knowledge pour into me. The knowledge of me. I realized traveling is so deep in me. That is one reason I want to go so much. It is just a desire God has placed in me. And through this I gained the revelation that I will one day be in that Volkswagen van driving, writing, camping. With a friend or the love of my life….I will do it. I don’t care who agrees with it.
I have to stand up and be the me God is calling me to be and stop trying to be who everyone expects me to be. I have to be alive and free. Yes, I am gonna build my home here in the country. Yes I have a country accent. I will learn to raise a garden, hunt, can foods, live off the land and provide for myself. I don’t care if my mom thinks I am crazy or people say they can’t see me hunting and killing an animal. I have the urge to learn and learn I will. I also don’t care if people think the degree I am pursuing is a waste of time; Writing is where I feel alive and I will study it. I don’t care if people like my crazy curly hair and poofy skirts…they make me happy. I don’t care if my family thinks a VW Camping Van is nuts. It has been my dream to have a VW Van and what a plus if it is a camper van. I don’t care if one day when I quit my job to write full time that people freak out…it will happen. So ultimately I do not care. I must stop caring about what others want me to do or expect me to do and I must march forward as a soldier of Christ, becoming the woman He is leading me to be.
So, I have decided, I will put on my poofy skirt, do some Yoga and pray. Then I will grab my gun and shoot my supper, picking veggies from the garden to make it complete. As it cooks on the stove I will write my heart on paper. Then I’ll jump in the VW van and head out for an adventure on the open road.
Yep, sounds like a nice little me, to me.
4-22-12 1:32 am
Written to The Fray songs