I am about to build a house here in my small little town. Yet I can’t help but still feel this beating inside of me that there is something more. Is the more just an illusion of my flesh and satan? Is the more real and what I need to follow? I ask God and yet I still feel so confused, torn, about what to do.
I also finally got approved for my funding for college, an online creative writing degree, and again a part of me feels excited but another part wants to wait and try for NYC.
When I visit NYC I can’t help but love it but after a few days I am sick of it. I want the quietness of the mountains, I want my front porch and stars. I want my family and friends and my small hometown life.
But when I am away I think of who I could maybe become if I left here. I could finally let all of me break free and I would be writing full time.
However, should I not be able to become myself here? Do I really need to move to become who I see inside. And if I do move, will I fall into the same traps I fall into now and stay the same?
You may wonder why I want to change and it is b/c I strive to be a better person daily, I strive to live not like the world but to live in more simplicity. To be content with little and give a whole lot. That is my biggest dream and to do it all for Christ.
Maybe I will spend my life questioning and wondering, and that’s okay in some ways, but with certain things I want to be for sure and certain. I want to do what Christ has for me and not miss out and a lot of what I have becasue of fear.
Fear has robbed me of a true love, fear lead me into the arms of the wrong one, fear kept me there, fear sent me off on a wild life, fear lead me to get the degree I got, fear lead me to stay here, fear robbed me of following the calling inside, fear robbed me of being me.
I just want to be bold and live for Christ and go or stay where he calls me to to….if only I knew which it was.