So I begin with asking: “Why do we run from our destiny?” I wonder why we run from what we are created to do. Do we run because we feel it is too hard? Do we run because we are scared? Do we run because we are simply selfish?
I ask this because I have spent my life being confused. I have spent my life running in so many ways. I never know what to do. I never know what the answer is.
I have tried to run from the role God has allowed me to be in with my family; the guider, protector, teacher. I tired run because it is hard to be that.
In high school I ran from the love of my life because I was so scared of the responsibility of that love. I was scared he would be another person to take care of. And with that, I never opened myself up fully to be loved by him; to allow him to take care of me.
Then I married a man I knew I shouldn’t. A man I couldn’t even look at as we said our vows. Yet I married him because he was comfortable to me. He was someone to take care of and I had gotten to an age where I thought I had to be married, like everyone else in my small town.
I never fully reached my potential in Social Work, because I was selfish, always seeking a way out. Once I got out, I missed it. I was able to see the impact I had on my families but also the missed opportunities in myself absorbed state.
When my ex husband and I split, at first I relied on God, poured my heart into my work. Then I thought about me. I became angry and spent my time crying, drinking, and thinking of only me. I missed out on a lot that year.
I do not however beat myself up over the choices I made. I cannot regret them. Because from them, I have learned. I have grown. I have been able to meet people and love souls. The experiences have only given me a deeper depth into the pain others live through. My life, my choices, were not void of meaning. I am glad I have been able to get here to this place, to see what I have always felt inside. To see it is now that I must live it. To see it will take work, effort, planning and boldness.
I feel I have come full circle into the woman I have always been inside. I am now at a place where I can live out my dreams in a full capacity.
I have struggled with what dream to choose, writing and New York, singing and California, or my family and taking care of children, in my small town. Finally, I see, I do not have to choose one or the other. Yes, I have to choose where to live but that doesn’t mean my dreams die.
I thought I had to choose one life and one dream and that was it. Now I see I can have them all. I can love people, children, my family. I can write and sing. I can live in my small town and visit NYC and California. Yes. Finally, I see.
The last few weeks, God has been guiding my heart, giving me glimpses of what He has for me. Giving me little tid bits. I see He has always done this but now I am attuned to it. I am listening and seeing.
My first step with this was to admit I miss, deeply miss, being a social worker. I miss protecting children and guiding families. Yes, I am in that line of work, to a degree, but it is not the same. So, I listened to the nudge in my heart from Christ and I am happy to say I will soon be a part time social worker, along with my current position as a parent educator. 🙂
The other reason I am taking the position is that God has been showing me a lot about my finances. He’s been teaching me about tithing and managing my money better. I have a little debt in a school loan and I realized I had to pay it off. I am following God’s lead on building a home behind my mom and I don’t want the extra debt on top of my home debt. I want to work hard and be responsible and I don’t want the American dream that says put it all on credit and be in debt to your eyeballs. I am able to work 2 jobs, so I am. It is time to be proactive in my own life with work, debt, finances, love, relationships, etc. I have to stop sitting back being confused, and doing really nothing at all but making not so great decisions. I must take a stand.
Music plays in the background as I type this and my heart beats wildly as always, but this time I feel something will be done. This is more than dreams on a page, this is a chance at reality. Living out, for once, all that is burning deep inside of my heart.
I have so many more things I am dreaming to do. I am actually at a conference right now, for work, Parents As Teachers (PAT). The key-note speaker tonight just gripped my heart. I sat there thinking, “I need to be out there! I need to be fighting for my families.” I need to take this knowledge, heart and love and give it to those around me. I need to do more! I have all these ideas all the time and never let them exist or be…I want them to be! I could hear God nudging my heart again ( I heard it one day last week, as well) about starting my own mission group, Humble Hearts. I started it locally and then let it die when my church fell apart. I let it go. I let it slip away because my heart was hurt.
But now I say, “NO MORE!” No more will I let a little bump in the road stop me. Never again will I fade away. I will be me. I will be bold. I will do the things that seem impossible because with my God they are possible. It is up to me to just believe and do the work.
I look out my hotel at the city lights of St. Louis and I realize….I will travel, I will write, I will take pictures, and I will love. I will do all that I love, if I trust God and go his way. Already I am seeing that. I am being reminded of books I can write, a curriculum for daycare teachers, for example. I am reminded of the coat drive I did one year in my community. I am reminded of a very profound thing I wrote in high school.
I wrote a story and in the story a young girl, named Marie was being interviewed and was asked, “What do you want to do with your life?”
To which Marie responded, “I just wanna love people.”
In the story the reporter was astounded, that this young 16 year old girl didn’t want a fancy house, car, or anything for herself, she only wanted to love people.
As I write tears fall down my cheeks, because that young girl, Marie, was me. Still is me. And it has taken me 12 years but I am finally at the place where I can love people. I see now, I have been given such an opportunity to do it.
I no longer want to go to NYC or California and live out some selfish dream, alone in so many ways. No, I want to start where I am, with what I have, in my little town and I want to love my family, my friends, my tribe, my community. I want to see a change made in so many of the broken hearts, homes, and souls. I want to see kids being kids. I want to see moms and dads not fighting but praying. I want to see kids being read to every night. I want to see drugs replaced with hugs and love. I want to help people see their potential and begin to reach it. I want to share the love of Christ with all of those around me.
Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it will take work.
But I do not care, for it is my dream, in the words of my teenage self…….
“I just wanna love people.”
Written in a St. Louis Hotel to Counting Crowes: Colorblind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0s7ycdUcHk (thanks youtube)