So, I am again in this place of utter confusion. A place where I feel lost again. I know I am saved. I know God is in me, directing me (if I allow him to) yet I feel so lost. I am lost in the next step in my life. I am happy yet unhappy. I am simply and utterly confused.
I wonder if I will ever get to a place of confusion-less. A place where I am whole in Christ, allowing Him to have all of me. The place where I know that where I am is exactly where I am meant to be. A place where I know what I want but am open to whatever, whoever God brings my way. A place where I am living fully for my Christ.
I am so tired of the battles I have within myself. Stay here, build a house, get married have a baby. Leave go to NYC, be a writier, fall in love, one day move back here and live the same life as above. Or do I stay in my current job, apply for one that pays a lot more but may suck compared to what I now have, or do I start a daycare? Or do I do none of them? Something about all of them sucks. Ugh. I am tired of working for the man but scared to start a daycare. I want to write all the time.
Also, I know my life is too busy but how do I know when to say no. How do I know what to do and what not to do? How do I make time for me, for writing, for my Savior?
I want the holiness of Christ in my life. I want to reverence Him. I want Him first in my life but I can’t seem to do it.
I know I have a million ramblings, a million questions, but I just want his plan for my life. I want to stop being so confused. I want to stop being soooo busy. I want to stop trying to figure out if this guy is the guy I should marry. I want to just be where God has me each and every day making the most of it. I want the confusion to be washed away.
I just want a full life of Christ and I cry out to him asking him to please help me. To guide me. To direct me. To allow me to become whole in Him. I tell him i need help! I cannot do it on my own anymore. I need his words over me.
Written to some beautiful chritian songs on Pandora
8:50 am 10-13-11