A million thoughts course through my mind. They move a million
times a minute, I swear faster than the speed of light. I love it but it can
make a person feel a little crazy. I know that as I learn and begin to slow my
life down that these thoughts will slow a little too, as well. I need them to; I
need them to just slow and be.
I love that I am such a deep thinker. I love that I am not simple
minded, as much as I do desire to be at times, it just seems easier. However I
am not. I am complex and a little crazy. I am learning to embrace it as me but
work on it as well.
I want to be the best me I can be. The one Christ created me to
be. I am learning to be all Christ meant for me to be doesn’t include not
taking care of myself. It doesn’t include running myself ragged trying to be
everything for everyone. It doesn’t include no sleep. It doesn’t include not
eating healthy. And it does not include losing myself in the process. He
doesn’t want me ignoring reading his word. He doesn’t want me to not write. He
doesn’t want me to lose myself in the pursuit of taking care of others.
Simply put that is not real living. It is what most of us do to
fill ourselves b/c trying to figure out who we are takes work. It is painful.
Figuring out what we are meant for is hard. It goes against society and the American
dream to want more; to want something different. I am not saying the American
dream or being married or having kids is wrong…..it is amazing and I want it
one day. I am talking about figuring out our real path is hard. I have amazing
friends who are married and are parents and are happy and they still are
missing something. Yet they do their “duty” of being a good husband
or wife and never see what path God has for them. One that includes their
family and I feel would make them a better spouse, friend, and parent. Yet they
are afraid to step out.
Well I wanna step out. I keep not stepping out. I keep doing what
is “right,” what is expected. I listen to everyone around me. I listen to the
world. And I let me hold me back. It is no one else; I am the one who chooses
to hold myself back for sure.
I feel if I can get a grasp on me; make time for me and live the
life God has for me, I will touch the world in some special way. I will be more
effective living that way, than I am in my current state.
So I am really hoping I don’t stray back. I hope I let this life
that comes out of me; this passion that burns brightly when I write is all I
am. It is amazing, real, and beautiful. It is me. It is all I dream to be. It
is how I want to touch this world.
written in my coffee house, listenin to amazing music, texting amazing friends and becoming me on 9/22/11 @ about 4:30-5:00 pm 🙂