I sit here sipping my coffee taking in life. I wonder why I feel so confused all the time. How do I have moments of pure clarity followed by moments of pure confusion and desperation? How do I become one me and be happy?
I mean it’s like I constantly change who I am, what I want and on and on and on again. I want to remain one way. I want to remain me.
I met a great guy. He is nice and kind and now I am worried I should not try this relationship. Is it from God? Do I really want to try a relationship with him or is it just because he is the next nice guy to come along? I want passion and all that but I want it with Christ as the center. He has so many qualities I am looking for but some are not.
And now I am confused on my next step in life. I am craving NYC again. Why?? I am desiring to be this other version of me I just don’t let exist enough. How do I balance me?
I know this is all a major rambling but this is how my mind is working for the time being. I do not know how to stop it, slow it or let it be.
Do I want too much? Do I know what I really want? Is any of it attainable or even meant to be? What is the right path for me?
I ask God to help me. To give me clarity; mentally, emotionally. I just want to be all that He has created me to be. To live out His purpose for me.
I want someone who loves me but doesn’t constantly surround me. He needs to be himself on his own, not try to be something for me. I want that strength surrounding me, guiding me in prayer.
So I don’t know what to do, the next step to take. It is all confusing to me. All I can do is put it down on paper, ask God and wait for the answer.
Sept 15, 2011 5:40 pm