I’ve been in a deep kind of dark mood latley. But I can’t help but like these times. It’s not that I rehash all I’ve been through, it’s more like I remember it and allow myslef to remember it so I don’t ever forget the choices I made, the pain I felt, and what I learned. Maybe it seems weird to some but I enjoy it in some weird way. Most of the time I am very happy and bubbly and look to the good in everything, but I do believe I need these times. I need them to stay in reality. To remind me not all people are good at heart. To remind me to not give my heart so easily.
Most people don’t see this side of me or they mistake me for being hateful during these times; when I am really lost in a million and a half deep thoughts. I am usually lost in a million thoughts but these, like I have expalined, are deeper, darker, and even painful.
I just love who I have became. How I have became me. How I have learned that God created me for a reason. It is like in this book I am reading, “Eat Pray, Love,” it says, “God dwells in you as you.” How profound and I believe true. He gave us all a personality for a reason and He dwells in that personailty. In the chapter the author writes about how she realized she didn’t have to be quiet to be spritual. She is bubbly and chatty and that is ok. I still struggle with it but I see that is great for those who are quiet but I am not! I do not have to be! I am more effective being bubbly, talkative, loving others, lifting them up with my cheer and love and silliness. I want that. To just make people happy. WOW. WOW. WOW. I AM ME. I CAN BE ME. It is OK. I LOVE GOD and yet I am not some clone. More Christians need this revelation. Be you in Christ. I can work on aspects of my personality like she said in the book, not talking about myself so much, listening better, etc. This is what I will do. But Ahhh I am me. Weird times and all. lol
During all of this my heart yearns for a family. My heart yearns for a man who works hard. A man who loves God. A man who loves me. My heart yearns for a best friend and lover. My heart yearns for a baby. I hate when I get like this. It is so hard to want a baby so bad and not be able to have one. But I know I will one day. I know it. I have to stay patient. But oh how I want a baby growing my belly, which I feel in my heart I should not. It sucks but I will survive. More than anything I want that sweet bundle of joy in my arms. I want to hold him/her close. I want to smell that sweet baby smell. I want to love him/her with all of me. I want a family in my little yellow dream house behind my momma lol. And I feel God told me I was maybe gonna marry that one guy but was it God? UGH I hate when I am not sure. I do know for sure He told me I would be married next May. I know He said I would have a baby in a year. Oh….
Why am I stressing? I will take it day by day and see. That is something I could learn, to take things day by day and stop freaking out. It will all come in time but oh it is so hard when it is all you want and dream. Something simple, to be a wife and mother, it is my dream.
I feel crazy, all these thoughts and ramblings are running through me and out of me like a water spicket. I am a nut but like I said, I am me, and I love every crazy minute of it.
Thank you Lord for my crazy mind and the words you let pour from me. I am blessed beyond blessed and I will wait on you, it will all be here before I know it.
8-5-11 11:30 pm.
Written to Adele, “Someone Like You.”