Looking for something I’ve seen. Something I know. Looking back into the past. To see. To see where I have came from. To see all the choices I made; the choices others made and the consequences of those choices. Looking to see and admit so much truth to myself. I will forever love him. In some form he will always hold a piece of my heart. Yet I have no desire to ever be with him again. If we were meant to be, then I would. But he ended us the moment he walked out the door. I held on for almost 2 years until I saw the complete truth, that he was with her, my best friend. That was fully the end for me. Yet I have forgiven. I could be his friend. That is so crazy to me. To be in this place of complete healing. My flesh still wants to pull forth and scream “NO! YOU BASTARD!” But as a Christian, I cannot and will not. I’ve done that and it did nothing to help me. I will do as God leads. Today the Lord gave me a scripture: (John 3:15) “……so that everyone who believes in Him will have eternal life.” and I felt God telling me that I am here for that. My purpose in life is to lead others to Him so they will have eternal life. I am to lead them in my work, in the daycare I will own. I am to lead my family and friends. I am to lead them to Him in my writing. And in my mercy. I have always had a heart that forgives easily. And I had to learn boundaries with that heart and how to forgive; not just forget and let them run all over me. I have learned that and now I will love my ex-husband with the love of Christ. WOW. I am amazed at what God will do to a willing heart. Yes, I have pain there and always will but as I have said a million times, the pain is a reminder. I see it as a gift. And even though he ripped my heart from me. Even though he broke me. Even though I see all I did wrong. I have moved on. I have forgiven and I will love him with the love of Christ. I pray he comes to know Christ. And what a gift, if I, his ex wife, am able to lead him there? It would be amazing. Amazing.
As I look back. As I ponder. As memories, thoughts, words, and what ifs weave through my mind like that of a basket; I am able to see that even though there were mistakes and heartache, there was love and happiness. And still the possibility of eternal life for him. It was all worth it. It was a choice and even though a part of me regrets a bigger part cannot and will not. It made me, me. It taught me. It made me whole.
My heart beats as a whole. It pounds deep. I can’t wait for the opportunity to share with him this love that fills me.
One day you will understand……
7-5-11 10:30 pm.
Written to the Fray: You will Understand