“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t cause I thought I’d be happy alone, it was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone cause what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is; Death ends. This? It could go on forever.”-Meredith Grey
Wow, how true this can be. I remember being in that place of pain like dying that I thought would never end. And it never completely has or will. It is like a scar that hurts sometimes. It is there and no matter how happy I am. No matter that I no longer love him or would I ever even want to be with him, the pain is there. I am so grateful it is not the deep, soul wracking pain it once was but it has not gone. I think it is also why I used to say I wanted to be alone. I am grateful I can be alone and be healthy and not need someone in such a desperate way. BUT I now know I want to be in love, I want to be married, I want to be a mommy. It was easier before to say I didn’t want those things but now I am in such a great place and stronger that I can say that I do want them and I know they will all come in God’s time…one day.
However for those out there hurting; those who are broken.……keep your eyes on God. Keeping pressing forward each day. Know it is ok to cry. It is ok to scream. Read my blog…I have been there! You can and will get through it. 3 years ago, 2 years ago my heart felt as if it was barely hanging on. It felt ripped into a million shreds. Last year it felt like it was barley pieced back together and slowly healing. And now it feels healed but with scars. You will get there and then you will learn to embrace the scars and use them to love others. I know I am.
10:45 pm May 19, 2011