I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop imagining a life with him. Funny thing is, I can finally admit, I have always thought of him; even when I was married. He hates me now but I truly believe that will one day change. All in time.
Maybe I am crazy to believe we have a shot. A chance to be what I ruined in us. However, I am listening to God now, more than I ever have and I hear Him so clearly. Something He brought to my mind the other day was so soul rattling. In 2008 or maybe 2009, I was praying for my then husband and wanted my marriage restored. I still remember it like yesterday. I was picking up a frame and dusting it. I was in my cramped bedroom in my trailer. As I picked up the items and dusted them I was crying and praying. I was dusting the frame when God told me, “Your husband is coming home.” I sucked up my crying and just knew my marriage would be restored.
As we know, that did not happen. So, I allowed satan to place the le in me, “you thought you heard God, you don’t know His voice.” once I cam back to God I realized this lie and said, I didn’t ask God what he meant by this I just assumed and then was upset when it did not happen. I told people that God meant something by it and I would learn one day. Well, the other day I was reminded of this and realized, that one guy, he now lives in another state. So maybe my “real” husband is coming home. 😉 hmmmmm?? I think so. It feels real and peaceful. God has spoken so much to me about it. I know I will marry him in that field I dream of in a year. I just believe it. I truly believe God is telling me this.
However, I will not let it consume me. I will go on my way, day by day, just living and loving and being.
9:56 pm 4-19-11