I love how music and the words to a song can deeply touch your soul. I love how you feel every emotion more intensely when this occurs and you make a deeper connection with who you are, what you feel and with God. I personally love to roll the windows down, turn the music up full blast and just drive. I love to let the moment drive me. To feel intensely, to grow, to be truthful with who I am inside. To become a little more of me. To deal with pain, hurt and grief or to just immerse myself in the purest joy.
Lately I have been addicted to the song, Drive My Soul by Lights. I know it is probably about a love with another person, however for me…I think of my God. The lyrics “You make the Darkness Disappear, I feel Found when you stay near, I know where I am when you are here, My way becomes so clear,” are the deepest example of how I feel when I am allowing myself to be close to the Lord. When I listen to God as He speaks to me, when I speak to Him, when I read His word and seek his way and obey, I feel peace. My way does become so clear. I no longer feel all the confusion. I hear and obey and I feel peace. I don’t wallow in my confusion and then make my choice. I just trust and even when it seems crazy, it all works out.
I also usually have this confusion about who I am. It has been my struggle for years and for the first time in my life, I no longer feel confused. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I used to be so confused about if I should move or stay here. I finally realized last year how much I love it here. Then in the fall I went to visit my brother in New York and asses the city as if I lived there and realized I did not want to live there. I was praying about where to go to school and what to go for and God lead me to Full Sail University. I felt guilty doing writing but could feel God pushing me that way. I knew he had told me to apply so I did it! I will start in the fall. Then most recently God showed me he wants me to build a house behind my Mom. This was humbling for me b/c I have always said that she and I would not be able to handle it. Yet, God showed me the vision and I asked my Mom and I have such an excitement about building my home soon.
I wasted a lot of time the last 10 years, I made a million bad choices, I have ignored God for my own selfish pursuits. I now see God never intended for me to leave this town. My big dreams of singing, fame, California and then New York were my plans. They were not what God had for me. I wanted these things I now see because I thought it would complete me. I thought I had to leave to be me and I was tired of taking care of everyone. I see now that I had to be me here. I see that God has given me this amazing and mighty gift of loving people. I remember writing something in high school once that said all I wanted to do was love. How true it is and I have been running from the ones God has given me to love. I don’t have anxiety or stress about it anymore because I only do what God tells me to do. I don’t take everything on to myself. It has taken me a few years to learn it but I am so grateful. I am grateful God was patient with me. I am glad he fought for me. I am ecstatic that He kept me here. I made so many bad choices here but had amazing family and friends to help me thought. I would hate to think what would have happened had I been a million miles away.
I am continually, day by day following all He tells me to. I can’t wait to get my house built. And most recently I believe God has shown me who I will marry. I am being careful with it but handing it all to him and trying to be patient. My prayer is that I won’t rush or try to create anything but that I will trust him fully and completely. I love God so much and I only want to make Him happy and bless him, no myself!
I know where I am when He is here, my way becomes so clear, and I only want Him driving my soul.
4-11 and 4-12-11 completed at 12:04 am
Drive my Soul by Lights