One and Only That I Let Go

Isn’t it funny how everything you now dream of is what you once had? How sad….

Lately I have really been thinking of my first true love. I have thought about him through the years. I have wondered how he is doing and if he is happy. I have thought about what my life would have been like if we had married. I used to think of this especially during my loveless and lifeless marriage. I have heard how much he changed when he married and not for the better and I always wondered who he would have been if we had married.

I am not big on regret. I believe we made a choice, it can’t be changed and we must move forward. But when it comes to him, I feel deep regret. i regret not loving him as he deserved. I regret letting him go. I regret how I treated him at times. However, I know that I did not understand at the time how much I loved him. I was so young and scared. 

I was 16 years old when we began dating and everything was absolutely amazing. He was beautiful and great. I was so happy with him. I had my heart broken by my best friend, who later become my husband and then here came my new best friend and we fell for each other. It was a fairytale, then my little brother was diagnosed with cancer and my world changed. I will never forget the day I was in an ITV class and was chatting with my boyfriend and I got a message that I was not to ride the bus, that my Mom was on her way and my brother was very sick. I’ll never forget the look on *Brandon’s (name changed-too hard to write a name lol). He looked at me with concern and love.

I already had a lot of responsibility at home; there were 6 kids and I was second oldest but the oldest girl, so therefore everything fell upon me. I took care of my baby sister and ran the house while my little brother was in the hospital. No one really even offered help. I think people thought well she is strong and can do it.  Brandon was there for me. He took me to the hospital, gave me a ride, held me, etc. Then we were kissing one night and I felt such guilt. I felt I was doing something I should not since my mom was at the hospital with my brother.  I then began the process of pushing Brandon away.

Eventually I deeply broke his heart but he remained my friend. He was by my side. Over the next year we dated and broke up a few times. I always pushed him away. I didn’t know how to let someone love me and take care of me. I had so much responsibility. Things at home were tense with me and my mom. I had a hard time accepting that she was my mom and I was a teen/. I hated to be talked to like a teen because I felt like a grown up. I always had a lot of responsibility and I grew up quickly then with my brother having cancer, it just compounded it all.

I didn’t let people see how broken I really was. I hid it from everyone. I definitely never shared it with Brandon. I will never forget being up late one night washing dishes. Everyone was in the bed and I had my head phones on. As I washed a knife all I could think of was cutting my wrist. Tears were pouring from my eyes and I wanted to do it so bad. I wanted to end the overwhelming-ness I felt. I finally put the knife down and then walked to the medicine cabinet. I stared at the pills in it forever, so many thoughts running through my mind. Then this song came on, Be Like That by 3 Doors Down, and I broke down crying. I sobbed on the kitchen floor and hit repeat and began to write in my journal. I still remember that moment fully. I still have the poem in my journal. That was what I was dealing with everyday.

I remember telling Brandon one night while tears poured from me, “I feel like I am an adult and lived. I feel like I am 34 years old and what is left? I just wanted to live my dreams.” 

I was scared. I felt like I had to get away from here to finally live. I felt trapped. I was so afraid that I would marry Brandon, have a baby, be a mom taking care of someone again and be stuck here. I couldn’t have that. So once we became a couple again, I would shut down after a while. I would also ignore Brandon, say mean things and push him away from me. I remember him once telling me, after our final breakup that the song, Bad Day Again by Fuel was a perfect fit for me. I listened to it and it was so true. I wish I could have told him, I want to kill myself sometimes. I wish I could have known that I was scared and told him I am scared of how deeply I care for you. I wish I had understood it. But I didn’t I was lost in all that was upon my shoulders and I did not understand that I was scared. I thought I just cared for him and didn’t really love him.  Another song that I thought was my song to him was, Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. I thought that is how I feel for Brandon,. He is everything I want and need but I just don’t love him. I felt broken and thought the person I loved would be able to put me back together in some magical way. I thought that if he was the one all my pain would just disappear and that person would just know me and love me . What I didn’t realize is Brandon understood as much as he could. Brandon did love me. What I didn’t understand was that no one could fix me. I had to let God have all of me. What I did not realize is that I had to be vulnerable to have the loved I dreamed of. I had to let my heart go and at that time, I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t realize I was confused about him because I refused to let him fully have my heart. I was so independent and used to being strong on my own that I could not handle anything he did for me. It made me mad. It is crazy to me that I got upset when he baked me cookies and brought them to me when I was babysitting, wrote me sweet notes, jumped on a float in the parade to give me a stuffed animal, bought me flowers, called me dear, tried to wipe my nose (yeah lol) and when he did these I got upset with him. I see now it is because it made me vulnerable and I couldn’t be that way. I couldn’t let my heart be broken. I was so afraid. He just wanted to love me, cherish me and protect me and I couldn’t let him.

Now, here I am at 27 ½ years old, and that is all I want. Isn’t it funny how everything you now dream of is what you once had? And lately he has been on my mind deeply. I have been imagining what my life would be if we were married after high school. I imagine what would happen if we met up again and fell in love now. I have imagined marrying him, kissing him, having a beautiful simple life with him. I imagine taking care of him and he would love it. I know when I was having a bad day, he would love me. I am so different now in so many ways and I could love him as he deserved. I am in tears now just wishing it could be. Wishing I had understood when I was 16 and 17 that I was just scared. I know I need to let it go. I wish it was a possibility but he hates me deeply.

Our 10 year High School reunion is this summer and he got angry with me for posting pictures on facebook of him. Someone told him I had posted them because he won’t be my friend on facebook. He then proceeded to call me and cuss at me because I was helping with our reunion. He informed me that was how deep his hatred ran for me. I realized quickly he still has so much anger and hurt from high school. He is also angry with me because I had to investigate his mom’s daycare and substantiate. I asked not to be on the case but was told to and then I am stuck with him and the family now hating me. I hate it because I had no hard feeling for them. I loved them all. So, I know there is no hope for us. But for some reason he is deeply on my mind lately. I just try to push it out and I say a prayer for him. Everything is in God’s hands and He ahs a plan for my life. As much as I may want to be able to have this love with Brandon, God may have someone else for me. So, I push all feelings aside and pray for Brandon and I then try to let all the daydreams go. I don’t want to be someone who regrets or lives in the past, so I am moving forward and trusting God.

I am single now and as much as I love it, it is very hard. I won’t lie. I want to be in love. I want to be a wife. I want to share my life with another soul in that way. And I know I could have that kind of life with him. I guess I just wish he would see me at the reunion and his heart would skip a beat. I wish he would let go of the hurt and forgive me (yes I have asked him to forgive and apologized, several times). I wish we would let ourselves be in love again, marry in the field and live in the little cozy house I am soon to build and have the life we both have always wanted and dreamed of. (BTW he is now divorced as well and had a hard marriage too as I have been told by family). Ahhh if it could only be a bitter but sweet ending fairytale…..

Isn’t it funny how everything you now dream of is what you once had? How sad….

11:34 pm 4-9-11

 Adel: One and Only-the song I can’t stop listening to and wish i could play for hima nd wish it would be true  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78mlPQEmbOA&feature=grec_index

3 Doors Down-Be Like That    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHdblBk2lhA

Fuel-Bad Day Again  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MOmtbf0KXY

Vertical Horizon- Everything You Want  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZoD8JEFjAE

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