So I did it. I finally applied to school for my masters degree and it feels great! I cannot wait to start this new journey! I don’t know why I doubt so much and put so much off all the time. Well, actually I do, I fear making the wrong decision and then ultimately I do nothing. My life stays the same day in and day out. Then I have all these big ideas and dreams that never go anywhere. But NO MORE! I am going to venture out and take chances. I am going to stop doubting God. If I am wrong, He will show me….He will direct me down the right road. I want to LIVE and use these talents He gave me. I struggle with guilt as well. I feel like I am making the wrong choice. A choice that is selfish. I want to serve God but more and more I am realizing this doesn’t mean we have to do things like they did back in the day. This doesn’t mean we all need to go to another country and live with minimal luxuries. For some, that is what God calls them to, but for others it is not. I should not feel guilty for wanting to have a small home, to write, to be a wife mother, foster parent and travel. God is using me in out world as it is now. Yet, I let satan work on me with doubt and fear and I feed it. I play my part in all f this, instead of trusting God. Because I know His voice when I hear it but I choose to doubt it for some reason. But NOT anymore. I know I will make mistakes and mess up at times but I am going to trust it more because by not I am doing nothing for God but being alive for a few weeks then lost in the crowd, barley alive. I want to shout of God form the mountain tops! I want to write stories, movies, shows, etc that show morals, values and ultimately JESUS> I want to love my family and love strangers. I want to be happy being single and rocking the life God gave me. Loving Kids and parents who need direction in foster care. Living on my little reservation in a simple homey home. BUT also venturing out as God directs me to., Being willing to live in another city or town or country if He leads me to. For now, I know I am to be here though and I want to live in that and make the most of my life…not wasting one precious minute!!!
A quote comes to my mind as I finish this,
“Tell me what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver
3-22-11 7:18 pm