Breathe in and Out

I know that everything is in God’s hands. i know He has the plan and yet I try to always do it my way and mess everything up. I am so tired of this cycle. i want to live for Him fully and completely.

I was blessed with a  great guy after being single 2 1/2 yrs and was happy with him. he is nice, kind, funny, smart, and has all these qualities I was looking for. But of course I chose to handle the relationship my way out of fear. I didn’t talk with him early on about things i knew God was telling me too and this continued on through the course of our short courtship. hopefully the courtship is not over but it may be and it’s in his hands.

And I know that if it is over, I will be ok. I will survive and I know that means God only has someone better for me out there. But it still hurts and after having a talk with him last night that seemed to go well, all I can do today i cry. I don’t wanna cry and yet I am. ughh.

Then a friend tells me she is pregnant. It is a major surprise to her and she is in a not so great relationship but I couldn’t help but envy her. Not that i want a child out-of-wedlock in a relationship like that but I am 27 years old. I love babies and people and I want to be married and be a mom at some point. And with each passing year it feels as if it will never happen. I mean I only have one kidney and I have to be careful of when I have a child. And it just aches today more than it would have b/c something I thought had the possibility of becoming more one day will probably end and I’m that much more away from that opportunity.  On top of it he has 2 children I absolutely adore and could have been a step mom to, so having just one of my own would have been enough. So I am not only losing the dream of a future, I am losing him and 2 children all of which I adore.

But I breathe in and out and know it is all in God’s hands.

1-18-10

3:11 pm

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