Life is such a learning process. But I am so glad I am one of those who is able to see that. I am glad I am deep and willing to see beyond myself. I am so thankful that as I live I see more than the moment. I am glad I can see my own faults and I am glad I am learning to work through them. I am also, however, glad I can now see I am not the only one with faults. I am glad I am open and want to talk through things. It is hard but when something’s worth it…it is just that worth it. It is worth the hard times. It is worth the discomfort. Because when you have that great thing in your life and you work on it, when you work through the little issues and you get through those hard moments….it gives you a million and half more amazing and great moments. I am willing to chance losing what greatness I have in my life to make it better.
My thoughts are now…instead of fearing losing something/someone and letting things continue in downward path and burning myself out and losing myself to fix it alone….my thoughts are…why not talk through it and work on it? And if they don’t like it or can’t handle it….oh well….I tried…I did what was right and if I lose them or they stay mad at me…then that is their problem. I guess it is their choice to not be an adult and to walk out of my life. I see this in all relationships. And maybe one day they will come back around but I have learned it is not my job to make someone happy…happiness is our own frame of mind….it is a choice. Yes I can bring people happiness and love them but I can’t make them happy, I can’t make their decisions for them. And for me…that is hard. It is hard for me to try not doing EVERYTHING for someone. It is hard for me when I know options they have and what the best one is…and they won’t take it. But I can’t control people and make them be all I can see them being. You see I have the ability to see who people can be but like my friend told me about my ex…that is NOT who they are. I mix that up. I also try to make them that and ultimately it is their life, their choices, not mine. I am learning to step back and stop trying to control and let the people I love make their own choices, their own mistakes. If I don’t, I will end up bitter, alone, and lost; because I lose me while trying to help them be themselves. Then I get angry and bitter and in turn they get mad at me for being hateful. It is a vicious cycle. One I am trying to break free of and believe I can and will. I am seeing it more quickly now.
So, with all those rambling words…I guess I must go. I must get my work done…ughhh….lol. But I know that I am doing the right thing by trying to talk to a couple people in my life and see where it goes. They are worth this step, as hard as it may be. And if they want to walk out of my life…so be it, they may. Because #1 I know that I love them and would do anything for them and have done so much for them already. #2 I can’t lose who I am to make them happy or fix their life. #3 I can’t change who I am just to make them happy with me. I am me…flaws and all….and I love them with their flaws and imperfections…if they can’t do the same…then that is their loss.
We shall see where it all goes….we shall see…..
December 30, 2010 10:00 am