God Crazy Beautiful Disaster

I just finished the first chapter in a book called God Crazy by Michelle Borquez. I was amazed at the end of the chapter byt the truth that she stated. The truth I have lived and now see in me. She was talking about how we, especially girls, have this fairy tale dream of love and marriage and what it will be. We want that perfect story and strive for it. She did and in the end her marriage was over and she was ahsamed because of being a Christian and failing in this way. She was afraid to show the weaknesses and the pain she felt.

I have been there. I didn’t share what happened to me for so long with those aorund me because I was ashamed and I blamed myself so deeply. I took all the blame and thougt if I prayed for my marriage it would make God happy. I thought if I prayed he would come home and we woudl have another fairytale scene and all would be well. And I realize it happened and God loved me no matter what. I learned that  what I thought was obedince was my pain, my hurt, my pride. It was me hanging onto a shattered dream.

Michelle also said she was looking for her fullfillment to come from her husband. MAN!! This is so true. We don’t want to be alone, we seek love, we seek this fairytale romance. We believe in someone completing us. We even, I believe, try to create it. In the end we are let down because it is not truth. I learned that the hard way. I wanted the fairytale romance and I got it. It was movie worthy. Girl at 14 falls in love with her best friend. He never wants her in that way. She is his everything, the one who stays by his side and one day at the ageof 21, he loves her too. He comes from another state and suprises her. She opens a door to be in total shock as he stands there. He takes her into his arms and gives her the most amazing kiss ever. They are so in love they run off and elope…the end, for the the movie at least. For life, the hell began. The dream was over. My life was lost. I lost myslef. I was broken, torn and become this ugly version of myself. My world was centered around him. To care for him, love him , to do it all for him. I got nothing in return but guilt when I would get angry and yell and could not take it anymore. Nothing was enough and then one night he walked out. Even then I fought for him. I tried to fix him to, to pray for him. I see it was becasue I wanted to be complete. No person can bring us the completness we desire inside. That comes from our God who loves us so dearly. Yes he loves us dearly.  He wants us to see and know that. He wants to heal us and change us and grow us.

I am on that road now. I feel alive. I see my faults and instead of hiding them and beating myslef up about them; I am allowing them to come forth and seeking God on what to do. All the while knowing I am loved. I don’t desire a relationship either and that makes me feel so strange. So many around me are married and having babies, or they desire to have a relationship. I don’t. I don’t desire marriage right now or babies. I desire learning how to truly live this life for Christ and LIVING…LIVING….LIVING!! I want to touch the workd and experience so very much.

I am grateful for this book and what I think it will teach me and show me. I bought it months ago but God opened it up to me at the perfect time.

Ahh the joy of being totally free.

Here is a song I had to add that come on right after reading the 1st chapter of the book and I thought it summed up what I was before in some ways and what most girls are—-ohhh if all could be freed and see we are beautiful and loved by God and stop trying to be what we think we must for the world or to  be loved!

Jon Mclaughlin – Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama’s lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she’ll find someone to need her.
She swears that there’s no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It’s all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she’s not good enough,
The pictures that she’s seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She’s giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they’ll see that she’s lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she’ll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She’s not a drama queen,
She doesn’t want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

‘Cause she’s just the way she is, but no ones told her that’s OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KI6mi6eb8H0  of course the youtube video

3-8-10 1:53 pm

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