I sit here amazed at my God and how gracious and amazing and loving he is. Even in the midst of my growing, my pain, my rebellion, he has been there and He is teaching me. I know some things in my life need to go and I will get there but what I am grateful for is that he is there still setting me free and teaching me more about myself than I thought I would ever learn.
The pain that still burns in me is real but in the realness I have grown. In that pain I have been allowed to be opened to who God has created me to be. I have gained self-respect, self-worth, strength. I have gained so very much. I am blessed and lucky because not all get to this place.
I am me. Real. Free. Me. I make mistakes. But I love my God. I do. I love him and I will grow with him and know him more and more everyday. I will.
I am blessed is all I can say. I may have lost what I thought was my life but from it I gained true life. I have gained myself, God and amazing friends. I have gained so much. The pain is there and maybe in some form will always be but I am free and alive for the first time in my life! Alive.
I don’t regret loving him. I don’t. I loved and loved deeply and from it I learned more about myself than I would have ever learned and I will now be real and alive the rest of my life.
It is amazing to see that the biggest, gut wrenching pain I have ever experienced in my life became the biggest gift of my life.
3-6-10 4:07 pm
Written to Missy Higgins, Where I Stood