How can I dream of so many different lives? How can I envision each one of them and something in each one feel so right? How can I dream to be in so many different places and be happy? And ultimately which dream is right? Which one should I follow and chase after?
I can picture living in California. I picture the green that covers around my home (maybe wine country?). I picture walking on the beach the breeze blowing through my hair pulled back in a low pony tail. I have on my white flowey shirt and Capri kakis. I carry my sandals. I take in the sound of the waves, the smell of the sea and the warmth of the sun. I stop sit in the sand and write in my black and white composition book.
Then I picture living in NYC and going to NYU. I picture my little home. I picture walking down the city street in my pea coat with my scarf from Ireland wrapped around me, the pink hat atop my head. I carry my books for class. I breathe in and look up and feel, well I feel, alive.
I can picture moving to this little city close by and being a freelance writer. Having a cute home and going to the neat places around town. I picture listening to the street singers with my husband and eating noodles at the noodle house. And I will still be close to my family.
I picture the house with sun and kind of secluded. It is cozy inside and I am cooking for my family, while they lounge and I write form home. (Like I wrote about in wasteland)
I want ALL of these in some form. They all feel alive and real and at different times I think each one is what I really want. Am I doomed to waste my life and just be confused forever? Ughh…..what to do…what to do…….
1-27-10 9:35 pm
