Wasteland

Here’s a deep one:

I sit here and music plays, my inspiration in times like this. Times when my mind rolls and my heart beats incessantly. Times when I feel everything. Whether it be hurt, pain, anger, love, inspiration, or change.  It is in these moments that I usually feel most alive. The moments when all I feel turns into words on a page. The moment when I can turn my pain into inspiration on a page; even if the inspiration is just for me. The moments when I am freed to be me. When I can pour life out of me and not fear who I am.  The moments when I can be me.  

Tonight I hurt. Tonight I feel pain and anger. I do not like who or what I see. I thought that part of me was gone. Yet the realization is we are every part of ourselves. We are who we choose to be. We are who we are in moments like these. Moments when we feel broken, angry, tired and sad. Maybe I am depressed but it feels like something else to be. It feels like a sad heart. It feels like someone who wants to change, It sounds like a confused soul.  More than not wanting to feel like this, I want to understand why I do.  I want to understand how I get here to this place.  Why can I feel like this some days and be fine the next and why at other times, does it last longer?  I want o understand this person I am and find out the truth about me; Who I really am, who I pretend to be, and who I really want to be. No disguises, no masks, just me.

What surprises me is how hard it is to find the true me. How hard it is to know who I am at this exact moment and who I truly desire to be. I know our experiences, our lives and those around us, well they makes us. But I want to dig deep. I want to get to my heart and see who I really am. I want ot see all I desire to be for real. Not for running away, not for feeling complete, not to make someone else happy, but who do I truly want to be. A friend recently told me, “you are one of the greatest people I have ever met. It is rare to find people that true of heart.”  And that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever told me. It inspires me to be a better person for real. I want to be true of heart and I guess I am and that is why I am always so confused. I want to love everyone. I want to live life fully, I want to be a better person, a better friend. I dream to be more than I am. I don’t like the selfishness I feel sometimes but is it really selfishness, or is it truth that I need. Is it okay to just be me and need a break and for once not want to take care of others? But the funny thing is I seek to take care of others still. AHHHH…..I am such a mess.

I also am ready to be in love and I for once I want someone who takes care of me. Who works for my love and affection. Who wants to be there for me and I for them, equally. I believe that does exist. It must exist. Life would be nothing without it.

So I would love to continue on and turn this into a book one day but at this moment have no idea how. I just know I must now go.

I dream of more than this wasteland I am in. I dream of music and poetry. I dream of laughs and giggles. I dream of little arguments where you make up with hugs and kisses. I dream of sheets hanging on a clothes line. I dream of a house hidden away with a brook and me baking inside. I dream of big trees for climbing and sunshine. I dream of life. I dream of a to be a strong Christian who truly lives from the heart like Jesus did.  I dream of words on page while my baby with rosy cheeks sleeps on the couch, my husband reads the paper, snow falls lightly outside, the fire burns, the dogs curl in front of it and I have a pot of stew on for dinner. Is that so much to ask for?

PS…..WOW….that is truly what came out from my heart. I would not think that is what I would truly desire but it is. To be at home with my baby boy, writing, cooking dinner for my family, with my protector aka husband close by. The funny thing is I could have that here in this town, but I just CAN’T. I feel so disconnected from here….but I can picture that in a town close by or even up North…now what to do till then?  What to do in this wasteland….hmmmm?

PSS Why do I feel like this simple dream is so wrong? Why do I feel like I need to go to NYC? Should I still go there? What does it all mean? I KNOW I want that life above…..I do…..why do I feel guilty for wanting that? I am not a shrink by any means so all comments welcome 🙂  Wow I really am a complete and utter mess…hope I can meet someone who can handle this 🙂

 

1-25-10 11:02 pm

Written to Augustana, Wasteland and Sunday Best

Ok: the youtube vidoes so you can hear the songs that made my mind, soul, heart and words move.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pr_lPZY3zI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YMO-ICF4hk

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