I just watched a simple, funny movie and of course I feel inspired. The movie is All About Steve. I just love how it shows that it is okay to be different. I wish I could be the different I feel inside. I want to meet more different people. I desire to be a true Christian, not a cookie cutter version. I want to write, I want to be free. I want to understand this urgency I feel in me for “more.” I also want to knwo how to live in this and what it means. Does it mean to move away from this town or to be that way here? I feel pulled in 2 different directions. Like the responsible 5 year old in me keeps me here and the 16 year old in me wants to move away and be free. And how do I reconcile these? How do I live for Christ fully? How do I get to a place where I don’t feel so lost and confused? I want to write now. I want to live my dreams and can’t seem to fully. Like this weekend, I have been so tired and have not used my time wisely. I have layed around, watched movies and read a little. But I feel lifeless and don’t want to feel like this. I know there is a touch of depression in there. I just want to feel whole and alive. I want to be loved. I want more out of this life. I want to serve my God and not feel so alone, lost, and bored. I hate this job I am in and want a change and how do I make that change? What is right and what is wrong? I am so lost and confused. I hate I am always like this.
The things I am certain of: I love God and want to live my life for Him. I love to write and dream of being a writer. I love to sing. I love my family and friends more than anything. I am confused on if I should stat here or go and what my next step in life should be. I want more out of life. I am a complete and utter mess.
There are my quetions, confusions, and ramblings on life.