Utterly Confused

I sit here and a million thoughts fill my mind. I feel excitement, fear, and confusion. What is right and what is wrong.  I am watching Felicity. It si the first episode, the one where she goes to New York right away.  And I want that.  A change. To not fear and just do soemhting new and different. Then I think, I am not 18 anymore, starting college. I am 26 years old. And I am just confused. Honestly, I would love to go to NYC and go to NYU for my masters in Ccreative Writing.  TO live a new life, my dream. But then I think is this really what God wants for me, or is this just me? I feel so confused. Sometimes I feel like going to NYU is so selfish and is about me. At other times I feel it is God. Sometiems,w eel most days I ahte this small ton (LOL) and ulitimatley I do want to be gone from here BUT I do not want to leave my family. I love being with my teenage bro and sis. I love the little life I have here in ways and hate it in others. Sometiems I think too that it is the excitement of it and not the reality of what it would be. It is what movies and tv make it–not what it would really be. What is right? What is worng? What is God? and What is me? I am not sure which path to take and what to do? Do I stay here and do the online school while working? or do I move to NYC and go to school? It seems so out of reach…going to the big city alone, with 3 dogs and going to school full time, having to support myself in a more expensive place all alone……breathe and breathe out….not sure what is right and what is wrong and what I should do. I want to live for God and not people’s version of God.  I want His will and not mine and not sure what any of that is!  Ughhh always utterly confused.

1-14-10  1:39 pm


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