It is strange to not want to ever be with someone again but to still have that pain in your heart for what they did, for them being gone. It is weird to be excited about the new love that will come to you one day and yet still want to cry for that long lost love that you don’t even want. I think it is that I did really love and he was my first and only, my love, my husband, my friend. And that just doesn’t die. Even when my desire to be with him has died. Even when I see who he truly is…that life, that love, that deepness does not die. Man, tears come to my eyes even now. My chest hurts everyday. And yet I am excited that someone is out there for me and I envision how we will meet and what he will do and I am waiitng…waiitng oin God….and I know it will be so worth it! I am excited about my life; where I am and where I am going and yet the ache is there and I truly believe in some form it always will be. And I am glad in some ways, it reminds me to wait on God. It reminds me of where I have been and how blessed I am now….that pain….that big heartache…the one I never thought I would experience has made me …me. God teaches us how he must and ultimately he loves us unconditionally and I know I am where I am right even in the hard crappy times because of Him and his love! So the pain is there but life goes on and I reminded of who I am everyday when my chest aches.
1-12-10 8:55 pm