The reality is that I will forever love him. It sucks and in some ways still hurts. But it is my truth. I gave too much, well maybe not too much, but more than he deserved. I loved fully and completely. Yet I loved who he could be. I refused until just a few weeks ago to see who he truly is. And even though I still love him and even though the memory of him leaving me cuts so deep, I feel relief. Yes. I feel relieved that I can move on. I feel relieved that I can be me. I can be passionate. I can be silly. I can leave the drawers barley open. I can get angry. I can feel hurt. I can cry. I can wear the clothes I like. I can write. I can have dreams and I can wait for him….the one who deserves my love and I his. Yes. I can live and be me. No longer trapped in a prison I created. One I created form love, lust and ultimately fear. Fear that if I did not marry him, he would leave me. Ironicly, in the end, that is exactly what he did, leave me. I gave him a gift, the only I was ever with and he did not care. He tried to love me. He tried to be that guy, but ultimately he is not that guy. And the time came when he could no longer pretend. He wanted freedom. He wanted “fun” and I was gone. I played my part. I did yell but when you live with a self centered man child, who would not yell? So many times I kept my mouth shut. So many times I over looked so much. In the end I see how I was never hit or yelled at but I was broken by the silence or the sly comments. I was broken. I was lost and tried to become all he wanted. Funnily enough he told me I was not who he thought I was. Maybe that is because I became what I thought he wanted. He pushed me to change my clothes, my hair. He never really supported me and my dreams. It was about his wants and needs. His dreams. Dreams I supported over and over with words, cards, love, money. My dreams were put on a back burner and I was lost in the midst of it all. Working, cleaning, caring. And yet he had the audacity to tell me it was me.
I thank God I am freed. It is so crazy to be in this place where I can see the whole picture. I see him clearly. I see myself and finally I am writing and dreaming. I am being me and seeing I am not a horrible person. I am by no means perfect. I am flawed to the core but I am me and I am okay. I am passionate. I love deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and yet keep parts of it locked away in me. I have deep dreams. I get angry. And yet I am me and it is okay to be me….all of me. I always accepted him, flaws and all. The truth is he never accepted me.
So, now I move on; Set free. Free to love, free to dream. Yes I am free.
11-20-09 11:00 pm
Writen to You’re Not sorry by Taylor Swift
you tube video, as always http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s3GUZiY39Y