And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain-the acing loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wraking waves of hurt through my limbs and head-but it was mangeable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakend over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it. (1)
I took my ring off on Sunday. It is a strange thing to wear a ring of promise for almost 5 years and to take it off knowing you still mean your promise. Knowing you want to live and fullfill that promise only to realize you can’t because the one you made the promise to doesn’t want the promise. He could care less and he never meant the promise he made when putting the ring on your finger. I feel guilty not having it on because technically I am still married. Technically I am bound to him but I am tired of living a lie. I am looking into divorce…wow I word I hate, but like someone told me “divorce can be a blessing.” And I see the love this person now has. I can get one knowing I tried. Knowing I was not the one who gave up. It nonetheless is so very hard. I love him so much still; no matter how much I try to hide it. No matter how much I shut down parts of my heart and soul to not feel all the love that still burns deeply in me. I am forgetting him and that is hard. I can’t clearly remember his voice. I can’t clearly remember his different smiles. I am forgetting his eyes, his words, and his smell that I so loved. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to move on. But I have no choice. He made that choice for me. And I can not stay here waitng my life away. I can’t keep hurting…..
Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.(2)
I start counseling on the 23rd of November and I am excited and nervous but feel I am moving in the right direction. For I can’t keep just simply existing. I must begin to live. I go through the motions. I dream of things. I see family. I feel angry and yet ultimatley I sit here and do nothing. Counseling is my first step to doing something. It will be painful but ulitmately it will be freeing. I am ready to be healed by Jesus through others.
Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me. (3)
11-10-09 10:15 pm
All excerpts from:
New Moon, Stephenie Meyer
1–pg. 118 2-pg.117 3–pg. 93 and title of post from pg 93,pg 118, pg 117