Lately I’ve felt confused, lost, broken, angry and not myslef. But maybe the issue is I do not even know myself. I feel I am constanly trying to be someone and it is as if the real me is trapped or locked away. I mean how do I be the me when the me is a million things in one. This world labels us and I can’t figure out how to be all the me’s I am. I also think I don’t feel loved or acceped as just me. I’m not beautiful, I’m not relly athletic, talented, I am not skinny, tall, I am not funny. I guess I don’t think there is much that is speical. I am never noticed by a guy. And my husband left. And for him I never felt just me was enough. I needed to wear sexier clothes, etc. and that is not me. I love my green hippy pants and a long sleeve tee with some knock off chuck taylors. WHy was I not enough? Why am I never enough? I just feel blah lately. I am not seeking sympahy just throwing these words out there….it feels like therapy.
I just want so much out of life. I want to serve Christ and just don’t know how. I feel alone so much. I feel broken. I feel bruised. I am angry, so angry with my husband. And tired. And I just can’t seem to do what I know I need to and read the word, pray and seek my God, my Savior. I feel Him here with me but it is up to me. And right now I am not sure what to do. Just see if this depression passes, call a friend, or see a Christian therapist. I am in limbo. Tired of giving and never getting, tired of feeling like I am wasting life, tired of feeling torn about leaving this town, hating it and yet loving it all the same…..
This is my heart and soul bare at this moment in time……in limbo of hurt, pain, joy, love and me.
10-21-09 11:49 pm Written to “Trust Me” by The Fray