So I begin tonight feeling broken, I feel all the pain as if he has just left me. I don’t let myself feel the pain much but it is coming on its own tonight.
Is it really so much to want him to run to me like Romeo and tell me he loves me. To love me no matter what. No matter how hard it is. To see me and remember why he loved me in the first place? It’s not too much. And he is my husband. I can hold out hope I guess. “This love is difficult, but it’s real.” (Taylor Swift)
And in that wanting someone to want me forever, to love me no matter what, I see I must love the same…no amtter what. For it is “better to give than receive.”
Yet in this I am still broken and still hurt deeply. It is as if my wound has ripped back open. My tears flood and blood drips form that fresh tear in my heart. It is harder to stay and hope and trust and believe. It truly is easier just to let go and I think that is why so many people do it. You tuck the pain away and move on. You find a form happiness and just try forget. The truth is you will always think “what if?” “What if I had tried harder?” what if I had done as God said?” “What if?’ And I would rather live with this pain than live with the “What ifs.” I think that are harder. I know lately they have been for me. They are easier superficially. You walk away. Cover the pain. Put on a smile and move ahead. But deep inside the confusion burns. The conviction tears. ANd I was in utter turmoil even thought it felt easy in one sense. I knwo this all seems contradictory but it is truth.
I am staying because God tells me to. I am staying because no one believes in or sees him like I do. I know it is not a figment of my imagination. I KNOW him deeply and I love the real him. I just wish he knew that and remember that and saw that. I wish he could see and be all I know he is…all i know he desires to be.
So as tears pour like rain. As that hole, crater fills my chest. As my wound is broken open. i will love. I promised “in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, and until death do us part.” And he is still my husband. So I pray amidst the pain. I pray.
I see how this is like my walk with Jesus…..we turn form him. We break his heart. And his heart breaks for us. He hung on a cross, blood ran from His side, and he died to give us eternal life. He gave all for me and still does. Every time I run away, every time I ignore him, He accepts me back with open arms and forgives me. And we should do the same. Especially when He is telling us to and He is telling me to pray and to believe and to love and to move ahead in Him.
So again as I hurt tonight, I am comforted by the arms of my Jesus…..
9-15-09 9:26 pm