Broken Deep Blue

Broken and bruised. Pain burns deep. Confusion. Hurt and pain and yet I feel more alive than I ever have. I feel free and happy. I feel alive, real and whole…well almost. How do you love someone so much to not have them love you back? How do you at the same time envision a new love, a new life? I feel as if I am betraying him…someone who cares nothing for me. It is like a quote I read, “Don’t make someone a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs.”  Man…how I feel this quote. I am tired of loving someone who cares nothing for no person but himself. Someone who only thinks about his wants and needs and things that will make him whole. Someone who overlooks his wife and possible chidlren to pursue his version of life and happiness. I want more than that. I want a man with conviction, heart, soul and Christ. And then I remember why I fell for my husband in the first place. I remember his heart, his life and the possibility of who I knew he wanted to be and could be. And then I remember he does not know Jesus and maybe if he did…he wouldn’t be seeking so hard for fullfillment in the crap. I don’t know. I am a torn person…always looking this way and than that. Always feeling a million emotions at once. And all I can do is take it one day at a time doing what God tells me to do. Trusting He knows what is best. As hard as it may be…I am trying to do that. But at this moment my heart aches and feels alone…..  (8-24-09 12:44 am) 

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