Merry CHRISTmas all!!!

Much love.

12-21-11

8:12 am

I want a man to love who shares this kind of passion. A man who will get me. A man who is whole on is own and I will compliment him but not complete him. I am waiting on that man, no matter how long it takes.

My goal now is to make these dreams a reality. To give this light and love burning in me to the world fully!!!!

there is so much more I could say, so much more I wanna say, but I have work to get to, My day job plus planning for this dream. Before I go I will say, it is no coincidence I am at the conference I am in St. Louis. No coincidence that when God is working deep in my heart that everything has just came into view. All these mixed dreams I have had i can see fitting together like a puzzle. And to top it all off, I heard an amazing speaker, Bill Strickland. WOW. He completed this blurry vision but also showed me it can be done, if I am willing. God only takes as far as we are willing to work. I am willing to work and I suggest anyone reading this, check out his website and book, I will soon be getting his book!

“All people need is light,” and I say love. (Bill strickland and me)

http://www.bill-strickland.org/

9:04 pm in St. Louis

11-9-11

I ask this because I have spent my life being confused. I have spent my life running in so many ways. I never know what to do. I never know what the answer is.

I have tried to run from the role God has allowed me to be in with my family; the guider, protector, teacher. I tired run because it is hard to be that.

In high school I ran from the love of my life because I was so scared of the responsibility of that love. I was scared he would be another person to take care of. And with that, I never opened myself up fully to be loved by him; to allow him to take care of me.

Then I married a man I knew I shouldn’t. A man I couldn’t even look at as we said our vows. Yet I married him because he was comfortable to me. He was someone to take care of and I had gotten to an age where I thought I had to be married, like everyone else in my small town.

I never fully reached my potential in Social Work, because I was selfish, always seeking a way out. Once I got out, I missed it. I was able to see the impact I had on my families but also the missed opportunities in myself absorbed state.

When my ex husband and I split, at first I relied on God, poured my heart into my work. Then I thought about me. I became angry and spent my time crying, drinking, and thinking of only me. I missed out on a lot that year.

I do not however beat myself up over the choices I made. I cannot regret them. Because from them,  I have learned. I have grown. I have been able to meet people and love souls. The experiences have only given me a deeper depth into the pain others live through. My life, my choices, were not void of meaning. I am glad I have been able to get here to this place, to see what I have always felt inside. To see it is now that I must live it. To see it will take work, effort, planning and boldness.

I feel I have come full circle into the woman I have always been inside. I am now at a place where I can live out my dreams in a full capacity.

I have struggled with what dream to choose, writing and New York, singing and California, or my family and taking care of children, in my small town. Finally, I see, I do not have to choose one or the other. Yes, I have to choose where to live but that doesn’t mean my dreams die.

I thought I had to choose one life and one dream and that was it. Now I see I can have them all. I can love people, children, my family. I can write and sing. I can live in my small town and visit NYC and California. Yes. Finally, I see.

The last few weeks, God has been guiding my heart, giving me glimpses of what He has for me. Giving me little tid bits. I see He has always done this but now I am attuned to it. I am listening and seeing.

My first step with this was to admit I miss, deeply miss, being a social worker. I miss protecting children and guiding families. Yes, I am in that line of work, to a degree, but it is not the same. So, I listened to the nudge in my heart from Christ and I am happy to say I will soon be a part time social worker, along with my current position as a parent educator. 

The other reason I am taking the position is that God has been showing me a lot about my finances. He’s been teaching me about tithing and managing my money better. I have a little debt in a school loan and I realized I had to pay it off. I am following God’s lead on building a home behind my mom and I don’t want the extra debt on top of my home debt. I want to work hard and be responsible and I don’t want the American dream that says put it all on credit and be in debt to your eyeballs. I am able to work 2 jobs, so I am. It is time to be proactive  in my own life with work, debt, finances, love, relationships, etc. I have to stop sitting back being confused, and doing really nothing at all but making not so great decisions. I must take a stand.

Music plays in the background as I type this and my heart beats wildly as always, but this time I feel something will be done. This is more than dreams on a page, this is a chance at reality. Living out, for once, all that is burning deep inside of my heart.

I have so many more things I am dreaming to do. I am actually at a conference right now, for work, Parents As Teachers (PAT). The key-note speaker tonight just gripped my heart. I sat there thinking, “I need to be out there! I need to be fighting for my families.” I need to take this knowledge, heart and love and give it to those around me. I need to do more! I have all these ideas all the time and never let them exist or be…I want them to be! I could hear God nudging my heart again ( I heard it one day last week, as well) about starting my own mission group, Humble Hearts. I started it locally and then let it die when my church fell apart. I let it go. I let it slip away because my heart was hurt.

But now I say, “NO MORE!” No more will I let a little bump in the road stop me. Never again will I fade away. I will be me. I will be bold. I will do the things that seem impossible because with my God they are possible. It is up to me to just believe and do the work.

I look out my hotel at the city lights of St. Louis and I realize….I will travel, I will write, I will take pictures, and I will love. I will do all that I love, if I trust God and go his way. Already I am seeing that. I am being reminded of books I can write, a curriculum for daycare teachers, for example. I am reminded of the coat drive I did one year in my community. I am reminded of a very profound thing I wrote in high school.

I wrote a story and in the story a young girl, named Marie was being interviewed and was asked, “What do you want to do with your life?”

To which Marie responded, “I just wanna love people.”

In the story the reporter was astounded, that this young 16 year old girl didn’t want a fancy house, car, or anything for herself, she only wanted to love people.

As I write tears fall down my cheeks, because that young girl, Marie, was me. Still is me. And it has taken me 12 years but I am finally at the place where I can love people. I see now, I have been given such an opportunity to do it.

I no longer want to go to NYC or California and live out some selfish dream, alone in so many ways. No, I want to start where I am, with what I have, in my little town and I want to love my family, my friends, my tribe, my community. I want to see a change made in so many of the broken hearts, homes, and souls. I want to see kids being kids. I want to see moms and dads not fighting but praying. I want to see kids being read to every night. I want to see drugs replaced with hugs and love.  I want to help people see their potential and begin to reach it. I want to share the love of Christ with all of those around me.

Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it will take work.

But I do not care, for it is my dream, in the words of my teenage self…….

“I just wanna love people.”

11-6-11

9:35 pm

Written in a St. Louis Hotel to Counting Crowes: Colorblind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0s7ycdUcHk (thanks youtube)

I wonder if I will ever get to a place of confusion-less.  A place where I am whole in Christ, allowing Him to have all of me.  The place where I know that where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.  A place where I know what I want but am open to whatever, whoever God brings my way. A place where I am living fully for my Christ.

I am so tired of the battles I have within myself. Stay here, build a house, get married have a baby. Leave go to NYC, be a writier, fall in love, one day move back here and live the same life as above. Or do I stay in my current job, apply for one that pays a lot more but may suck compared to what I now have,  or do I start a daycare?  Or do I do none of them? Something about all of them sucks. Ugh. I am tired of working for the man but scared to start a daycare.  I want to write all the time.

Also, I know my life is too busy but how do I know when to say no. How do I know what to do and what not to do? How do I make time for me, for writing, for my Savior?

I want the holiness of Christ in my life. I want to reverence Him. I want Him first in my life but I can’t seem to do it.

I know I have a million ramblings, a million questions, but I just want his plan for my life. I want to stop being so confused. I want to stop being soooo busy. I want to stop trying to figure out if this guy is the guy I should marry. I want to just be where God has me each and every day making the most of it. I want the confusion to be washed away.

I just want a full life of Christ and I cry out to him asking him to please help me. To guide me. To direct me. To allow me to become whole in Him. I tell him i need help! I cannot do it on my own anymore. I need his words over me.

Written to some beautiful chritian songs on Pandora

8:50 am 10-13-11

So I am throwing out there to God, these dreams. I am going to try my damnedest to just let him have his way. I am gonna try to take it one day at a time. I am asking him to show for I don’t want to make the “wrong” decision. I have done that before cause I couldn’t  see what all you could, Lord.

I want a life that is lived for you not just me. I only want the steps you have for me to take. I am so tired. Tired of taking everything into my own hands and suffering and dragging others down with me.

The only things I am certain of: 1. I love you 2. I love my family and friends 3. I want to write and write and write 4. I want to love others 5. I love my home and life here. 6. I love NYU’s program.

So it is handed to you Lord. I only want what you have and ultimately I want to desire you more and more and more every day. I want you to be my everything; my life, my heart, my soul, my breath. I love you lord. I love you.

Let me touch the world with the love & peace that only you can bring.

10-3-11 10:30 am

Written to deep tracks mix on Pandora

http://owlcityblog.com/

Yet, NYC never leaves my mind. I can’t stop thinking of living in a tiny apartment, writing my heart away. Being a freelance writer, blogger and just writing in NYC. Going to NYU.

Yet, I love the thought of being here, in my small town, in my yellow home behind my momma, I will build and writing my heart out. Coming to my favorite coffee shop, as I am now and just writing.

So I know writing is my dream but where do I have this dream? When
will i have this dream?

I dread the thought of going back to work tom. I dread the thought of owning a daycare. I dread the thought of it all. I wanna write and write and write. I want to turn in that deep music and let the words fall upon the page.

I want to be in school studying it. I want to be at NYU. Yet if I don’t get everything together and apply by December, there is no way for me to go by next year and if I did go next year, I would miss my brother and sister’s senior year…..can I do that??

I love them so much and don’t want to miss that. And the dread of doing this 2 more years, if I wait to apply next year, feels unbearable. lol.
Yet, I could drag one or both of them with me lol.

I just don’t know. I want to write. I want to be at NYU. Not the online school I am settling for. That is the truth.

Yet if I build a house this year, then what will I do if I move? Should I wait to build the house? What do I do? AHHHHH I feel crazy and as if I will lose my mind. NYC is calling my name I can’t ignore that. I can’t leave
that. I can’t lose my chance on that. I feel it too deep.

I’m gonna keep praying about buying a small cheap house here, about building a bigger house, about applying and moving to NYC, about so many
things. I just know I can’t ignore the dream of NYU anymore.

I just wanna write.

September 26, 2011 11:00 am

Written to awesome music at my favorite coffee house

I love that I am such a deep thinker. I love that I am not simple
minded, as much as I do desire to be at times, it just seems easier. However I
am not. I am complex and a little crazy. I am learning to embrace it as me but
work on it as well.

I want to be the best me I can be. The one Christ created me to
be. I am learning to be all Christ meant for me to be doesn’t include not
taking care of myself. It doesn’t include running myself ragged trying to be
everything for everyone. It doesn’t include no sleep. It doesn’t include not
eating healthy. And it does not include losing myself in the process. He
doesn’t want me ignoring reading his word. He doesn’t want me to not write. He
doesn’t want me to lose myself in the pursuit of taking care of others.

Simply put that is not real living. It is what most of us do to
fill ourselves b/c trying to figure out who we are takes work. It is painful.
Figuring out what we are meant for is hard. It goes against society and the American
dream to want more; to want something different. I am not saying the American
dream or being married or having kids is wrong…..it is amazing and I want it
one day. I am talking about figuring out our real path is hard. I have amazing
friends who are married and are parents and are happy and they still are
missing something. Yet they do their “duty” of being a good husband
or wife and never see what path God has for them. One that includes their
family and I feel would make them a better spouse, friend, and parent. Yet they
are afraid to step out.

Well I wanna step out. I keep not stepping out. I keep doing what
is “right,” what is expected. I listen to everyone around me. I listen to the
world. And I let me hold me back. It is no one else; I am the one who chooses
to hold myself back for sure.

I feel if I can get a grasp on me; make time for me and live the
life God has for me, I will touch the world in some special way. I will be more
effective living that way, than I am in my current state.

So I am really hoping I don’t stray back. I hope I let this life
that comes out of me; this passion that burns brightly when I write is all I
am. It is amazing, real, and beautiful. It is me. It is all I dream to be. It
is how I want to touch this world.

written in my coffee house, listenin to amazing music, texting amazing friends and becoming me on 9/22/11 @ about 4:30-5:00 pm

I mean it’s like I constantly change who I am, what I want and on and on and on again. I want to remain one way. I want to remain me.

I met a great guy. He is nice and kind and now I am worried I should not try this relationship. Is it from God? Do I really want to try a relationship with him or is it just because he is the next nice guy to come along?  I want passion and all that but I want it with Christ as the center. He has so many qualities I am looking for but some are not.

And now I am confused on my next step in life. I am craving NYC again. Why?? I am desiring to be this other version of me I just don’t let exist enough. How do I balance me?

I know this is all a major rambling but this is how my mind is working for the time being. I do not know how to stop it, slow it or let it be.

Do I want too much? Do I know what I really want?  Is any of it attainable or even meant to be? What is the right path for me?

I ask God to help me. To give me clarity; mentally, emotionally. I just want to be all that He has created me to be. To live out His purpose for me.

I want someone who loves me but doesn’t constantly surround me. He needs to be himself on his own, not try to be something for me. I want that strength surrounding me, guiding me in prayer.

So I don’t know what to do, the next step to take. It is all confusing to me.  All I can do is put it down on paper, ask God and wait for the answer.

Sept 15, 2011 5:40 pm

Most people don’t see this side of me or they mistake me for being hateful during these times; when I am really lost in a million and a half deep thoughts. I am usually lost in a million thoughts but these, like I have expalined, are deeper, darker, and even painful.

I just love who I have became. How I have became me. How I have learned that God created me for a reason. It is like in this book I am reading, “Eat Pray, Love,”  it says, “God dwells in you as you.” How profound and I believe true. He gave us all a personality for a reason and He dwells in that personailty. In the chapter the author writes about how she realized she didn’t have to be quiet to be spritual. She is bubbly and chatty and that is ok. I still struggle with it but I see that is great for those who are quiet but I am not! I do not have to be! I am more effective being bubbly, talkative, loving others, lifting them up with my cheer and love and silliness. I want that. To just make people happy. WOW. WOW. WOW. I AM ME. I CAN BE ME. It is OK. I LOVE GOD and yet I am not some clone. More Christians need this revelation. Be you in Christ. I can work on aspects of my personality like she said in the book, not talking about myself so much, listening better, etc. This is what I will do. But Ahhh I am me. Weird times and all. lol

During all of this my heart yearns for a family. My heart yearns for a man who works hard. A man who loves God. A man who loves me. My heart yearns for a best friend and lover. My heart yearns for a baby.  I hate when I get like this. It is so hard to want a baby so bad and not be able to have one. But I know I will one day. I know it. I have to stay patient. But oh how I want a baby growing my belly, which I feel in my heart I should not. It sucks but I will survive. More than anything I want that sweet bundle of joy in my arms. I want to hold him/her close. I want to smell that sweet baby smell. I want to love him/her with all of me.  I want a family in my little yellow dream house behind my momma lol.  And I feel God told me I was maybe gonna marry that one guy but was it God? UGH I hate when I am not sure. I do know for sure He told me I would be married next May. I know He said I would have a baby in a year. Oh….

Why am I stressing? I will take it day by day and see. That is something I could learn, to take things day by day and stop freaking out. It will all come in time but oh it is so hard when it is all you want and dream. Something simple, to be a wife and mother, it is my dream.   

I feel crazy, all these thoughts and ramblings are running through me and out of me like a water spicket. I am a nut but like I said, I am me, and I love every crazy minute of it.

Thank you Lord for my crazy mind and the words you let pour from me. I am blessed beyond blessed and I will wait on you, it will all be here before I know it.

Me <3

8-5-11 11:30 pm.

Written to Adele, “Someone Like You.”